I loved her more than anything
on the face of the earth.
I fell like a stone first time I saw her.
She fell just as hard.
The only difference was,
she knew why.
Kristy was my mate for life.
Kristen Bainbridge. That was her name.
Now she has my name, Briggs.
We're Mr and Mrs Jefferson Briggs,
but everybody calls me Jake.
Except my grandmother.
She calls me Booper.
He's too young and he's too immature.
She's a gold digger.
There's little or no gold to be dug.
He's plenty old.
And people don't mature any more.
They stay jackasses all their lives.
There's a strong streak of rationality
among the males in the family.
It's the women
who keep things electrified.
- Can you put a smile on your face?
- Give me something to smile about.
Russ and Gayle Bainbridge,
my in-laws,
people that, one day,
I would call Mom and Dad.
I'll lay you two bits
that little pea-brain will be late.
Don't be silly.
You wouldn't let me throw him out
when I had the chance.
Now the little SOB
is going to be a goddamn relative.
This is what Kristy wants.
Don't spoil it for her.
- Why?
- She's in love.
You can't expect to be foremost
in her mind. It's time we let go of her.
Try to find the beauty
in the way she feels about Jake.
Oh, for God's sake.
All right, where in the sweet name
of Christ is that little asshole?
That's me, the groom,
about to charge headlong
into the jaws of responsibility.
What am I doing?
That's Davis McDonald, my best
friend. He was my unsanctioned wife.
We got divorced
when I married Kristy. He liked her.
He may have even loved her.
Are you scared?
Here I am...
I'm on the verge
of binding my life to Kristy's...
...and I've never felt so alone.
We could split.
But you'd be back tomorrow.
You were married the minute you met
her. 16 years old and you were gone.
This is your destiny.
To be forever caught in the crossfire
between your head and your heart.
Do you... Do you think I'm going
to be happy, I mean, honestly?
You want to be a writer.
You want to be a husband.
Maybe it'll work out.
Who knows?
Yeah, you'll be happy.
You just won't know it, that's all.
Never before or again did he nail a
moment more firmly than that afternoon.
He's not all that wise,
he just knew his subject matter
very, very well.
I won't say this again.
You don't have to go through with this.
You can walk.
Say the word
and we are out of here.
Marriage will wait.
Time won't.
Jake!
Shit!
Let us all join
in the Lord's Prayer.
Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
- And forgive us our trespasses...
- Amen.
...as we forgive those
who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For Thine is the kingdom,
The power and the glory
For ever and ever.
Amen.
As these two have come hither
to be made one in this holy estate,
if there be anyone here present
who knows any just cause
why they may not lawfully be married,
I require him to make it known
or ever after hold his peace.
Kristen, wilt thou have this man
to be thy husband,
and wilt thou pledge thy troth to him
in all love and honour,
in all duty and service,
in all faith and tenderness;
to live with him and cherish him
according to the ordinance of God
- in the holy bond of marriage?
- I will.
Wilt thou, Jefferson, have this woman
to be thy wedded wife?
Wilt thou comfort and keep her
in sickness and in health...
Wilt thou provide her
with credit cards
and a 4-bedroom, 2Ѕ bath home with
central air and professional decorating?
A Mercedes Benz, two weeks
in the Bahamas every spring?
Wilt thou remember the little things
like flowers on her anniversary,
a kind word on a rough day,
and an occasional
"Gee,