wasn't some smug teenager
but an old ex-Heroin addict
searcHing for a comeback at any price?
THose young popsters come CHristmas
will be stretcHed out naked
witH a cute bird balancing on tHeir balls
and I'll be stuck in some dingy flat
witH me manager Joe,
ugliest man in tHe world,
fucking miserable because
our fucking gamble didn't pay off.
So if you believe in FatHer CHristmas,
cHildren, like your Uncle Billy does,
buy my festering turd of a record.
And particularly enjoy
tHe incredible crassness
of tHe moment we try to squeeze
an extra syllable into tHe fourtH line.
I tHink you're referring to
"lf you really love CHristmas..."
"Come on and let it snow." OucH.
So, Here it is one more time,
tHe dark Horse for tHis year's
CHristmas number one,
CHristmas Is All Around.
THank you, Billy. After tHis, tHe news.
Is tHe new prime minister in trouble already?
¶ I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes ¶
- OK. WHat's next?
- THe President's visit.
AH, yes, yes. I fear tHis is going to be
a difficult one to play. Alex.
THere's a strong feeling in tHe party
we mustn't allow ourselves to be bullied
- like tHe last government.
- (All) Here, Here.
THis is our first really important test,
let's take a stand.
RigHt. RigHt. I understand tHat
but I Have decided...
not to. Not tHis time.
Let's not forget tHat America
is tHe most powerful country in tHe world.
I'm not going to act like a petulant cHild.
WHo do you Have to screw round Here
to get a cup of tea and a biscuit?
RigHt.
(Knocking)
YeaH, come in.
- THese are from tHe Treasury...
- UH-HuH.
..and tHese are for you.
Excellent. THanks a lot.
I was Hoping you'd win, not tHat
I wouldn't Have been nice to tHe otHer bloke,
just always given Him tHe boring biscuits
witH no cHocolate.
THanks very mucH. THanks...
Natalie.
God, come on, get a grip.
You're tHe Prime Minister, for God's sake.
So wHat do you reckon
to our new prime minister?
OH, I like Him. I can't understand
wHy He's not married, tHougH.
You know tHe type, He's married to His job.
EitHer tHat or gay as a picnic basket.
Excuse me, Judy, if you could
just lower tHe nipples
- and cHeat tHem a bit to tHe left?
- OK.
I Have to say, Judy, tHis is a real pleasure,
it's lovely to find someone
I can actually cHat to.
- THank you!
- OH, well, you know.
- And ditto.
- THank you.
THe move again, please, Judy.
- OoH, sorry.
- OH, God, sorry. You all rigHt?
- Exciting news!
- WHat?
I've bougHt a ticket to tHe States.
I'm off in tHree weeks.
- No.
- Yes!
- To a fantastic place called Wisconsin.
- No!
Yes! Wisconsin babes,
Here comes Sir Colin!
No, Col! THere are a few babes in America,
I grant you,
but tHey're going out
witH ricH, attractive guys.
Tone, you're just jealous.
You know perfectly well
tHat any bar anywHere in America
contains ten girls more beautiful
and more likely to Have sex witH me
- tHan tHe wHole of tHe United Kingdom.
- THat is total bollocks. You're mad.
No, I'm wise. Stateside I am Prince William
witHout tHe weird family.
- No, Colin, no!
- Yes!
- Nyet!
- Da!
- Nein!
- Ja, darling!
RigHt, tHe CHristmas party,
not my favourite nigHt of tHe year
and your unHappy job to organise.
- Tell me.
- It's basic, really.
Find a venue, over-order on tHe drinks,
bulk buy tHe guacamole
and advise tHe girls to avoid Kevin
if tHey want tHeir breasts unfondled.
- Wives and family and stuff?
- YeaH. I mean, not cHildren.
But tHeir wives and girlfriends, et cetera.
OH, CHrist, you Haven't got some Horrible
six-foot, tigHt-T-sHirt-wearing boyfriend?
No. I'll just be Hanging around tHe mistletoe,
Hoping to be kissed.
Really?
RigHt.
He now spends all tHe time in His room.
I mean, He'll be up tHere now.
- THat's not unusual. My Horrid son...
- Bernard?
Bernard. Stays in His room all tHe time.
THank goodness.
YeaH, but Karen, tHis is all tHe time.
I'm afraid tHat tHere's sometHing
really wrong, you know?
I mean,