phone
in this whole town that works?
You got a phone I can use?
Yeah, hi. This is Sandy
Brozinsky. Who's this?
Howie. Okay, Howie. I'm holding
in my hand this thingee...
says you're gonna turn
off my phone at noon.
Oh, yeah? Well, I wanna
tell you somethin'.
I just got out of the hospital.
I get home after two
months of intensive care...
they wheel me into my
building, I open my mailbox...
I find your thingee screaming at
me I have till 12 noon today...
Hey, no, you listen. You listen!
I just opened the damn thing. I just
now laid eyes on it for the first time.
What was I supposed to do?
Have 'em unhook the life-support
machine so I could pay my bills?
Oh, really? Yeah, so now I have
three... No, make that two minutes...
to write a check and wheel
myself down to your office?
Howie, is that the drill?
24 hours?
24 big ones?
All right, Howie. You're
a prince among men.
I mean it. I wanna have your child.
Yeah, bye.
No, stop!
Please, do not screech at anyone else.
I am trying to prepare
for an audition here.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah? What for?
A workshop with Stanislav Korzenowski.
Who's that?
Only one of the great
geniuses of the theatre.
Now if you don't mind.
Hey, maybe I should audition
for him too. I'm an actress.
Hey, no, I'm a pro. I bet
I'm more of a pro than you.
Uh-huh. Well, I just made
2,500 bucks doin' a movie, yeah.
That's where I've seen you.
It has been driving me crazy.
- You saw Ninja Vixens?
- I, uh, must have.
Huh. Well, this whole acting
thing's been goin' pretty good.
I mean, it's all just
bullshittin', right?
Actors are just
bullshitters who get paid.
Where do I sign up?
Just exactly what do you think
you're going to do in there?
I don't know. I'll make somethin' up.
You're going in to Stanislav
Korzenowski and wing it?
Jesus, you'd think I was
gonna go in and pee on him.
Listen to me.
You do not audition for a man
of Korzenowski's reputation...
without a prepared classical monologue.
That means Shaw, Ibsen, Shakespeare.
I'm doing Ophelia's mad scene. I'm
not waltzing in off the street...
saying, "Gee, I think
I wanna be an actress."
You know what I bet?
I bet you haven't been
laid in about a year.
- Ames, Lauren.
- Ah, ah.
Yes, I'm coming. I'm...
I'm... I will be co...
I'm... I'm... I'm ready. I'm... I'm...
- I'm ready.
- Quickly, Miss Ames.
I have a good mad scene.
It's really great. I just saw it.
Hmm.
I will not only wish you to
absorb everything that I say.
I will also wish you to keep
notes of everything that I say.
And I will wish to look at those notes.
Now if you say this
is like high school...
I do not apologize.
I am an old egotist...
and I want to know that
you record my ideas.
If you do not, you're
gone from the class.
All right. We begin.
We begin with vowel groups.
Vowel groups.
Mr Weldon...
do you know the difference
between a Texas diphthong...
and a Georgia diphthong?
Sorry I'm late.
They made me fill out all these
dumb-ass financial aid forms.
You want 'em?
You want 'em?
I cannot believe... I absolutely
cannot believe he let her in!
And on scholarship!
I just bet I know what
she did as an audition.
The woman has no
training, no experience.
I mean, correct me if I'm wrong.
I really thought if you
worked at your craft, maybe...
just possibly, you'd get to
work with one of the greats.
It's $2.95, not $295.
I knew that.
Something's seriously
wrong with my life.
Excuse me.
- Are you all right?
- Better.
L-I w... I was just, um...
- Who cares? May I help you?
- Yeah.
- Have you got something in a pumpkin?
- The shade pumpkin?
- No, a pumpkin costume.
- Oh.
God, I sound like an idiot.
The reason is that I
teach grammar school.
- You're a
schoolteacher? - Uh-huh.
- You're not an actor?
- Oh, God, no. I'd be awful.
Why do you ask?
Oh, well, there's just so many
actors who come in here. Please go on.
Well, we're putting
on a little pageant...
and there