outside the window
there's winter, there's morning and somewhere there in the darkness -
there is school.
And you want to say:
dear mommy, can I turn off the light and get dressed in the dark?
And then: mom, how could I forget! We don't have first two classes today!
Or: Mom...(and you grab yourself)
But you didn't say nothing. You got up...
and whent to wash yourself.
You go past kitchen and there's your granny sitting, drinking tea.
Dearest granny!
She's drinking tea, and you want to go to her quietly and...
and say: dear granny, please, don't drink tea so loud, alright!
I could die right now because of these sounds.
In the winter morning.
You didn't say anything to granny, went into bathroom
and everything is sparkling there.
Closed the door, switched on the faucet...
And you stand like this...
They must hear you're doing something with the water in there.
You're touching the water jet, and then...
and went to dress yourself.
And when you go into your room to get dressed, sit on the bed,
there's the nicest, most wonderful and most evasive...
the best moment of the day, that is,
you take your pants, begin to pull on one leg
one leg done, begin to pull on other one, and you just
freeze like this...
As if you didn't exist.
That is, you don't have any desires, you're feeling neither good, nor bad,
just...
anyway, if they just left you in peace you lived like this, god save you.
But they: fast!
and you [do it] fast, one!, two!...
went to the kitchen, drank tea what was getting cold, ate something
and went to anteroom to get dressed.
You're doing everything slowly, slowly.
Pull down your hat...
Overcoat...or jacket.
Take your briefcase...
and shoes [to wear in the school].
Stood a moment like this...
Then put all that down and began to put on boots.
But boots are wet, they haven't dried from yesterday yet,
there's layers of salt, they're slippery and cold...
but you hadled it, took your things and went down the stairs...
You descend, front door, firm spring [for the door],
you open it like this...
you stand on the doorstep and there is winter, there is morning,
there is dark and somewhere there ahead...
somewhere there ahead is school.
And there is also four years of learning ahead.
You stood before all this like an astronaut before open space.
And then in there like....
And what use was to think up what to say to mom,
what to say to granny?
Then: apologies for being like drunk [man]?
You understand yourself that you're just talking, talking, talking...
I want to say I don't understand why I'm telling all this,
although I feel the reason very clearly.
It is...
It can be clearly felt here
and sometimes it steps up there...
The reason!
But as soon as to name it...
how to say? name it?
that is, to name it, to utter it...
to put it in some words
and then - bam! - it's not the reason anymore.
But to name ten reasons...all together they are reasons,
but each for itself - not a reason.
Why are you listening to me? I don't understand. You have your reasons,
I can't handle my own reasons, what could't I do with yours?
I want to tell I won't say a single word about reasons today.
I promise, enough about reasons.
I want...more precisely, not that I want...
probably, some other word is needed for it.
Not that I want, I will, I will be telling
about the man that is not,
which was and which is not anymore.
Nobody, except me, has noticed he is not anymore.
And when I'm talking about this man I always say:
"I said", "I did" or "I remember".
But I clearly remember that was not me.
That was another man and he has no chance to appear again.
And god save!
I had do or it happened so that I served three years on navy on Pacific...
it was such man.
I clearly remember how he showed up, I remember
the moment he appeared.
I remember also the man that was until that man,
and I remember that time...
I remember you first indications of this man appeared in me.
That happened