can she leave, knowing
I have dress-up functions?
How'd you get to be 40 without
knowing how to tie a tie?
You don't tie shoelaces,
so don't put me down.
Your mom used to tie my ties.
Before her, his mom.
- Geraldo, don't.
- Can you tie shoes...
...you little put-down artist?
- I don't need to tie shoes.
I got loafers. There's nothing wrong
with loafers, right?
- You gonna stand there or pee?
- I can't with you watching.
- Why not?
- I don't know why not.
Because l'm Spanish.
[WHISTLING]
ALICE: English with tears is English
with honor. Never be ashamed.
SETH: "Ted pushes the old German into
the language immersion sack with Edith.
He struggles."
CROMWELL:
Why are you doing this to me?
MRS. WOO: You've gotta go in the sack
before I go in. Okay?
All right. Okay.
- Okay? Okay?
- Okay, okay.
ALICE: Once again I learned to lower
myself in the name of higher learning.
SETH: Mr. Finestein said to skip
Edith's final monologue.
Lights fade out.
The play is over.
- She's perfect!
- I smell money.
She is divine. Simply divine.
Uh...
Um...
That was really wonderful,
you guys. It was...
- Alice, you have a future.
- Thank you.
Great, really. Hey, more than
I deserve. Thank you.
Okay, everybody. Take five.
Then we'll start again at the beginning.
Thank you. Very nice.
SETH: The coffee's ready.
But don't wander too far...
...because l'll need you really
soon. Alice, you were terrific.
Well, it has no social significance,
but maybe we'll make it entertaining.
Maybe. You know, if you can fix the
second act. You remember that act.
Thank you, Morris.
What did Finestein say?
He loves the play, Arnold.
He loves it.
- See, I found that very helpful.
FIPPSY: I meant to tell you.
You are going to have a bigger part.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCT]
IGOR: Fresh coffee for Papa.
- Oh, thank you, lg.
[PHONE RINGS]
- I'll get it.
- Let the machine.
TRAVALIAN [OVER MACHINE]:
This is the answering machine...
...of the Travalian family. Please leave
your message after you hear the beep.
[BEEPS]
ALICE: My name is Detroit.
Alice, not Nathan.
I was going to call and pretend
to talk about the play, but...
...actually l'm alone and having
a small, not unsightly, sexual fantasy...
...featuring a fellow who looks
remarkably like toi-meme.
French.
Listen, Ivan. I'll be on the corner of
7th Avenue and West 4th...
...in exactly
51 minutes and 12 seconds.
Now, I have a digital watch, sad to say,
making it precisely...
...at this very moment, 11 p.m.
If you're not there, I will either
take my life or I will not.
And you won 't know which choice
l've made until rehearsal tomorrow.
If you do choose to join me, however,
I will make it well worth your while.
Oh.
Ivan, I know your wife dumped you
and l'm all alone, so, what the hell, huh?
This is Alice Detroit.
Bye.
If I were you, l'd spend 50 minutes
dressing and a minute and 12 seconds...
...sprinting to the corner
of 7th Avenue and West 4th Street.
TRAVALIAN:
Taxi.
There weren't a whole lot of
Armenians in Bridgeport.
I mean, not what you'd call
a huge Armenian community.
I actually wasn't an Armenian
till I was 7.
- What? You weren't Armenian till 7?
- Till 7.
You weren't born Armenian?
You converted to it?
Yeah, sort of. I was an orphan.
I was adopted.
Really?
I was what they call an abandoned child.
I was found in an apple crate...
...on the steps of a police
station in West Bridgeport.
What'd your daddy do?
- He was in the apple crate business.
- No, no.
- That's a joke, right?
- Yeah. He taught fifth grade.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Were you in his class?
- No.
- No?
I don't think l've ever known
an Armenian. I mean, besides you.
How do you know
if someone's Armenian?
Well, you can always tell
an Armenian...
...because his last name rhymes with
the word Armenian.
ALICE:
Armenian!
[LAUGHING]
TRAVALIAN:
See that?
[SCREAMS]
A game can go on too long,
you know.
- You wanna go up?
- I