She's got this thing in
her head! Like a plate?
A plate? Oh, my uncle has one of those.
He was wounded
in the war,
and they put this steel plate in his head.
Now he says he can always
tell when it's going to rain.
I'm in big trouble, Doris. Why?
Because I find everything you
say absolutely fascinating.
Come on tell me about your wife's steel plate.
No, no, it's not a plate.
It's more like a bell. A bell.
I could be a million miles away. If I look
at another woman, it goes off like an alarm.
Oh, I see.
I just know that last night at exactly
1:22 a.m., she sat bolt upright in bed...
with her head going ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
How do you know
it was 1:22?
Because I have peripheral vision,
and I noticed my watch said 4:47.
Oh.
Well, okay, now, tell me,
um, something nice about her.
Well... she made me
believe in myself.
It's probably hard for you to imagine this,
but there was a time I was very insecure.
How did she do that
- make you believe in yourself?
She married me.
Oh. Yes, well, that was
very nice of her.
Oh, no, no, no. I meant bolstering
you up and all, you know?
Okay, your turn.
Tell me the worst story first.
Okay. Um-
Ooh, this is hard.
To pick one?
No, to think of one.
See, Harry's the salt of the
earth. Everybody says so.
Look, you owe me
at least one rotten story.
Oh, okay.
Uh-
Well, I don't know. This isn't really rotten, but
- Okay?
All right.
Now, this was on
our fourth anniversary.
We decided that we'd have some
people over to help celebrate.
So Harry doesn't
usually drink,
but that night
he had three beers.
It was after
the Gillette fights.
Well, I just overheard him
talking to some of the guys,
and he said that his-
his time in the army were
the best years of his life.
What's wrong with that? A lot of
guys feel that way about the service.
Harry was in the army
for four years,
and three of'em were spent
in a Japanese prison camp!
Okay. Now do you want to hear the
story about the good side of him?
Not particularly. Aw, come on. You have to.
I don't want you to get the wrong
impression of him. Okay, if you insist.
I do. Okay.
Harry's this, like, big,
heavyset kind of guy, you know-
I really wish you hadn't told me that. Why?
Oh no, don't worry.
He's gentle as a puppy.
Anyway, uh, last year
he got this great idea...
that he'd take Tony out
to fly a kite.
See, Tony's
our four-year-old.
And so they went out to the park to
fly a kite, but there wasn't any wind.
So it's about an hour later, and I
was on my way home from the laundromat.
I passed by...
and I see Tony
sound asleep in the car.
I look out in the park.
There's Harry all alone
in the park,
all red in the face
and out of breath,
and he's just pounding
up and down...
with this huge kite dragging
on the ground behind him.
Oh, I don't know.
It just really got to me.
Yeah, I know.
Helen has some nice
qualities too. Who's Helen?
My wife.
You said her name
was Phyllis.
I know. I lied.
Phyllis Helen! What's the
difference? I'm married!
Look, I was nervous. I was afraid
you'd try to look me up or something.
I didn't want to
leave any clues.
Is your name really George?
Well, of course it is.
You think I'd lie
about my own name?
Yes.
That would be crazy!
Well, you're
pretty crazy.
It's funny, isn't it?
Here we are in a hotel room,
gazing into each other's eyes.
We're both married, and we
have six kids between us.
Do you have
any pictures?
What?
Pictures of your kids.
Yeah, but I don't think
this is the time or place.
Come on, come on. If you show
me yours, I'll show you mine.
I keep mine in this little
folder we got free from Kodak.
Where's yours? You have
to take the whole wallet.
Ahh!
Ohh.
Is that the oldest one with
the glasses and baggy tights?
Yeah, that's Michael.
Funny-looking kid, isn't he?
No. What does he
wanna be, Superman?
No, Peter Pan.
I'm kinda worried
about him.
Why is this one'