probably thinks
I'm a homo. Oh, well.
What do you care? I stay here every year.
Oh, yeah? How come?
I have a friend who went into
the wine business near here.
I fly out the same weekend every year
to do his books. From New Jersey?
He was my first client. It's
sort of a sentimental thing.
Oh, I see.
Uh, Doris, I'd like to
tell you something. Okay.
You probably think I do this
sort of thing all the time.
I know I must appear very
smooth and glib and sexual.
But since I've been married, this
is the very first time I've done this.
Ah, sure. Don't worry.
I could tell.
Listen, would you mind if I
had a little of your breakfast?
Sure. I'm not hungry. Thank you.
Even when I was single, I was no
good at quick, superficial affairs.
I always had to like the person
- What do you mean, you could tell?
- I n what way could you tell?
- What? Oh.
Uh, well, it was
just little things,
you know, like when you tried to
take your pants off over your shoes...
and t
- tripped and hit your head on the coffee table.
Just little things
like that.
It's great to be totally honest
with another person, isn't it?
It sure is.
Doris, I haven't been totally
honest with you. You haven't?
- I told you I was a married man with two children.
- You're not?
I'm a married man
with three children.
I thought it would make me
seem less married.
All right, I didn't think
it through, all right?
There's been like a lead weight
inside me all morning.
I mean, denying little Debbie like that!
I was under a certain stress
or I wouldn't have done it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Y-You understand?
Sure. We all do
dopey things sometimes.
Well...
I really should be going.
The nuns are gonna be wondering
what happened to me.
Nuns?
Did you say nuns?
Yeah, somehow it just didn't seem
right to bring up last night,
but I was on my way
to retreat.
Retreat?
Yeah.
See, it's right near here.
I go every year at this time when
Harry takes the kids to Bakersfield.
What's in Bakersfield?
His mother.
It's her birthday.
Doesn't she mind that you
don't go? No, she hates me.
'Cause I got pregnant. Her son
had something to do with that.
Yeah, she blocks that
out of her mind.
See, he was in his first year
of dental college...
and he had to quit and take a
job selling waterless cooking.
So now every year on her
birthday, I just go on retreat.
To think about God?
Well, him too, sure,
but also about myself...
'cause, see, I got pregnant
when I was just 18,
so I've never really
had any time to just think.
You know,
I mean, about,
well,
what I think about.
Never mind. I don't know
what I'm trying to say.
Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Why?
Oh. Well,
okay,
like, take my life.
Now, we live in a two-bedroom
duplex in downtown Oakland,
and we have
a 1948 Studebaker,
a blond, three-piece
dinette set,
Motorola TV.
We go bowling
at least once a week.
I mean, what more
could anyone ask for?
But sometimes...
things get me down.
Oh, I don't know.
It's dumb.
I don't think
it's dumb.
You don't?
No.
You know, I can really
talk to you.
It's just amazing.
I find myself saying things to you
that I didn't even know I thought.
I noticed that yesterday right
after we met in the restaurant.
We had instant rapport.
Did you notice that too?
No, but I know
we really hit it off.
See, Harry's not much
of a talker, you know.
How 'bout your wife? Do
you two get to talk a lot?
Uh- Uh, Doris,
it's only natural...
that we should be curious about
each other's husband and wife,
but-but rather than dwelling on
it and letting it spoil everything,
why- why don't we-
why don't we do this?
I'll tell you two stories
about my wife-
one showing the worst side of her,
the other showing the best side of her.
You do the same thing about your husband,
and then let's Forget it.
Okay.
I'll go First.
I'll start with the worst side. Okay.
Phyllis knows about us. Oh, you
said that before. How could she know?