Charmaine's changed,
Carol Van Sant's changed,
and so have all those other
women's club members.
Well, I...
I suppose it's possible.
It can't all be coincidence.
Look at all those places.
Electronics, computers,
aerospace junk.
And labs. Who knows what?
They must all be dumping
their chemical garbage
in the Stepford River,
and it could be making
its way to us.
Listen, the 6:00 news
scares me every night.
I don't see what's so far-out
about my theory.
All right. Why don't we write
the state environmental agency
and have them check
the water in the reservoir.
Governmental agencies.
I've worked for them, Joanna.
And I mean, if they're way above
average or any good at all,
they'll manage to lose a letter
if you send it to them.
They teach courses in misfiling
at those places.
You know what I think
we ought to do?
I think we ought to take a sample
of the water ourselves
and then get it
to a trustworthy chemist.
Trouble is,
I don't know anybody except...
...you know, guys at that
stinking Men's Association.
I lost my virginity
to a trustworthy chemist.
No kidding.
Did he do it on Blue Cross?
- His name was Raymond Chandler.
- Oh, gosh.
And we had a gag, a sort of stupid,
private thing going.
I used to ask him
why he didn't talk like he wrote.
He wasn't a bit hard-boiled,
and he hated any sort of violence.
But I kept it going.
Some nights I wouldn't let
him touch me
until he told me the plot
of his next novel.
Which was, of course,
The Big Sleep.
Sometimes it nearly drove him crazy.
Isn't it funny the things you do
when you're in love?
We were both seniors at NYU,
and it wasn't just passion. It was love.
Why didn't you marry him?
I don't know.
Maybe we took the joke too far.
Maybe the fun went out of it.
I thought Walter was going
to become Perry Mason.
So it was Farewell, My Lovely.
Did you ever see that?
Anyway, I think if I look
in the phone book
and this guy is still in New York,
then he's our man.
- Are you out of your mind?
- No.
I can't just call him up and say,
"Hi, I used to be Joanna Ingles.
"You deflowered me 12 years ago.
Would you check my water?"
Final gas-chromatograph readings
will be coming in in a minute or two.
- Thank you so much for this.
- Oh, don't be silly.
- Long time.
- Twelve years.
You married a dentist,
wasn't that it?
Lawyer.
You happy?
- Yes, very.
- Good, good.
- Are you married?
- Going on nine years.
And, yes, very.
Here's the report you ordered,
Mr Chandler.
Thank you, Elizabeth.
Well, I can say right off the bat that...
...you've got water in your water.
Now, what can I tell you girls?
I mean, I wouldn't want to drink
too much of it,
- but it's water.
- Can't you be more specific?
Yes, but in order to do that,
I'd specifically have to know
what it is I'm trying to find.
I mean, there's nothing here.
Look at that.
Well, can you go any further
in confirming my suspicions?
I'm sorry, about what?
The women in Stepford
love housework,
and I thought there might be
something in the water.
- Where did you find her?
- It's not funny.
No, it isn't.
All right. You're right.
Look, that was rude of me.
- Mrs...
- Markowe.
Markowe.
I can tell you categorically that there's
no such thing as a cleaner-compeller.
If there was, I would patent it myself,
make a million bucks,
win the Nobel Prize and retire.
I guess we're going.
I'll see you outside.
- I'm sorry. Tell her that.
- Yes.
Hey,
we blew it, didn't we?
I don't know, Raymond.
It's hard to be smart.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
I don't care what anybody says.
I'm not going to end up like
one of those pan-scrubbers.
I'm getting the hell out of Stepford.
I'll ask Dave tonight,
and we'll move.
Hey, hey, hey, you too.
You can't break up a team like us.
We're the best thing to happen
since Laurel and Hardy.
Will you think about it?
"Zoom.
"Zoot suit.
"Zulu."
And that's that.
I'm finally finished.
When was that?
Walter,