between the seats,
and I didn't see it. I'm sorry.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
- I can't believe it.
- What is it?
A letter confirming your reservation
at the nut house?
It's from my company.
- Your bonus.
- My bonus.
Open it, Clarkie.
Open it.
Yeah, I hope it's a fortune, Clark.
I bet you do, Eddie.
I was afraid...
Are you gonna bawl all over it,
or are you gonna open it?
I was gonna wait till tomorrow to tell
you all this, but what the heck.
With this bonus check,
I'm putting in a swimming pool.
That's it. That's the big one!
Open it!
I'm sorry if I've been a little short
with everyone lately.
I've been waiting
for this bonus.
To make sure the pool goes in
when the ground thaws...
.. I had to pay in advance.
And until this arrived...
.. I didn't have enough in my account
to cover the check.
- Tear the sucker open, Dad.
- Yeah.
Drum roll. Just kidding.
If there's enough left over, I'm gonna fly
you all down here to help us dedicate it.
I can't swim, Clark.
I know that, Eddie.
Clark, what's wrong?
Honey?
It's bigger than you expected?
Smaller?
What is it?
It's a one-year membership
in the Jelly of the Month Club.
Oh, God.
Clark, that's the gift that keeps
on giving the whole year.
That it is, Edward.
That it is, indeed.
I'm sorry. Clark...
If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head
punch in the face I ever got. Goddamn it!
Son.
That's good. That's good.
That's good.
Hey!
If any of you are looking for any
last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one.
I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss,
right here, tonight.
I want him brought from his happy
holiday slumber on Melody Lane...
.. with all the other rich people,
and I want him right here.
With a big ribbon on his head.
I wanna look him straight
in the eye and tell him...
.. what a cheap, lying, no good,
rotten, four-flushing...
.. low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating,
inbred, overstuffed...
.. ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing,
brainless, dickless, hopeless...
.. heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed,
stiff-legged, spotty-lipped...
.. worm-headed sack
of monkey shit he is!
Hallelujah! Holy shit!
Where's the Tylenol?
- He's got that crazed look in his eye.
- I told you we should've gone to Hawaii.
Turn that thing off
and get in the house!
I'll talk to him, Mom.
You know, Dad.
I've been thinking.
Good talk, Dad.
Aren't you a bit sorry we didn't
get a Christmas tree?
Even though they're dirty and
messy and corny and clichйd.
Well, where you gonna find a tree
at this hour on Christmas Eve?
What's the matter?
Was that really necessary?
- We needed a tree.
- May I remind you that...
That this was all my idea. No.
No, no. I'm well aware of that, honey.
Could you just keep it in mind
the next time you go berserk?
I didn't go berserk.
I simply solved a problem.
We needed a coffin.
I mean, a tree.
There are no lots open
on Christmas Eve.
Lewis burned down my tree,
so I replaced it as best I could. Voila.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine, honey.
Fixed the newelpost.
What's that sound?
Do you hear it?
It's a funny squeaky sound.
You couldn't hear a dump truck
driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
I hear it too.
I don't hear it anymore.
What was it?! Oh, my God!
Quiet! Shut up!
Mom, don't move.
We can't let it get out
of the living room.
Where's Eddie? He usually eats
these goddamn things.
Oh, not recently, Clark. He read that
squirrels were high in cholesterol.
Thank you, Cathrine.
I'll try and trap it.
- Russ!
- Right here, Dad.
Oh, there you are.
Go get the hammer.
Clark, what do you need
a hammer for?
I'm gonna catch it in the coat
and smack it with the hammer.
I'm going in with him.
Nora?
- Nora!
- Is it gone?
It probably got scared
and ran back into the tree.
Squirrel!
You just march right over there
and slug that creep in the face.
- I can't just attack someone.
- Lf you're not man enough...
.. to put an end to this shit,
then I am.
Gone.
Oh, my