let out this God-awful roar.
It started
smashin' in the walls.
Then the pots and pans
started rattling.
And the walls started shimmering
and the floorboards started lifting.
I knew then that it was either
the bear or your mom and I.
So I raised the rifle,
I took aim and I fired!
You wasted her?
Nah, Benny, Benny, Benny. A shotgun's
not gonna kill a monster bear like that!
- What happened?
- The buckshot shaved the hair clean off the top of its head.
It ran off.
We never saw it again.
Oh, I hear from my uncle
every now and then.
And he'd tell us about
the bald-headed killer bear...
that was roaming
about the area.
The bald-headed
killer bear...
of Clare County.
- Is she still around?
- Oh!
- No, no, no. That bear's gone.
- She may be out there.
Crazy, bloodthirsty as ever.
So when you go to bed tonight,
if you hear a noise,
whatever you do,
don't look out the window.
Because it might be
the bear!
Jesus Christ! I'm half-drunk.
What are you tryin' to do?
- Give me nightmares for a month?
- Come on!
I can't believe you, Dad.
All right?
Oh, Benny, honey!
Gee, I'm 25 pounds overweight. I don't
need a blast to the ticker like that!
I felt my plaque
start flowin' again!
Really inappropriate, Chet.
What?
It was a story!
Come on!
Oh, come on!
It was a kind of true story.
Part of it happened. I just embellished
a bit, that's all. Come on, kids.
Oh, what? What?
What is that look?
So now I get the look.
I was just tryin' to have some fun.
Oh, God!
So I made the fangs
a little bigger. Geez!
Look, it's a story
my dad told me,
and I'm sure his dad told him,
and I'm tellin' you!
Good evening.
How's it goin'?
Listen, girls,
as your father,
I feel it incumbent upon me
to set the record straight...
on the validity of the tale which
Uncle Chet shared with us this evening.
A terrifying story like that coming from
the mouth of a recognized authority figure...
could be traumatizing
for kids like yourselves.
I know because I had a similar
experience with my Uncle Roy...
and a story he used to tell about
a family that went into the woods...
and was attacked by a band
of escaped army psychiatric patients...
who'd been subjected to violent, hellish,
torturous behavior modification experiments.
It seems they escaped from
the metal boxes the army kept them in,
found this family in the woods, fell
upon them, slaughtered them and ate them.
That story gave me nightmares
not to be believed.
I don't want Uncle Chet's bear story
to upset you in the same way.
So I'm here to say that
there actually is no bear...
and that all of what Uncle Chet was saying
was a yarn-spinnin' for our entertainment.
And even if there were a bear out there,
I'm in the house to protect you.
So, uh,
no more thinkin' about bears,
all right?
No more thinkin' about
unpleasant things.
We're gonna close our eyes
and dream...
about nice things.
About cuddly, soft,
fluffy things.
Okay?
Super.
Good night.
Sleep tight.
Honey?
Chet?
Where are you?
Oh, God!
That's rotted. Oh!
Hello. Jerry Asmuth, please.
Roman Craig.
Yeah, I can hold,
but not for too long.
I'm in God's country.
My signal's kinda weak.
- Honey?
- Yes, Roman?
Why is it Chet's kids
look at him like he's Zeus...
and my kids look at me like I'm
a rack of yard tools at Sears?
- I mean, why can't they connect with me?
- Well, honey,
maybe if you spent less time at work
and a little more time with us...
- things would be different.
- Put a cork in it, honey. Talkin' business.
Jerry. Yeah, Roman.
How are ya?
Listen, I'll save us a lot of trouble
and cut right to the chase.
I got an unbelievable
investment opportunity for you.
You got about three minutes
and 25 grand? Jerry?
Did you hear what I said?
Lost the signal here.
These cellular phones, they don't work.
Maybe he hung up on you.
Why would a minister hang up on me?
I've been to his church.
Oh, yeah! Once!
All right!
How 'bout that,