The other day when it was so cold, a friend
of mine went to buy some long underwear.
The shopkeeper said to him,
"How long do you want it?"
And my friend said,
"Well, from about September to March."
Jane! Control yourself!
Children, will you please
sit up properly at the table?
- Your tea, Uncle Albert.
- Oh, thank you, my dear.
I'm having such a good time. I wish
that you could all stay up here all the time.
We'll jolly well have to.
There's no way to get down.
Oh, no, there is a way.
Frankly, I don't like to mention it, because
you have to think of something sad.
Then do get on with it, please.
Let me see...
I've got the very thing.
Yesterday, when the lady next door
answered the bell, there was a man there.
And the man said to the lady,
"I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat."
- Oh, that's sad.
- The poor cat.
And then the man said,
"I'd like to replace your cat."
And the lady said, "That's all right with me,
but how are you at catching mice?"
Well, you know, I started out sad.
I try, really I do.
But, but everything ends up so hilarious,
I can't... I can't help...
That will be quite enough of that!
It's time to go home.
- Oh, that is sad.
- Oh, no!
Oh, that's sad.
That's the saddest thing I ever heard.
Come along, children. Spit spot!
Must you really go?
You know, people come to see me
all the time, you know.
And we have such a lovely time,
and then they have to go home.
And I'm very, very sad
about the whole thing.
Don't worry. We'll come back soon.
We had a lovely time.
Keep an eye on Uncle Albert,
will you, Bert?
- I'll sit with him a while.
- Thank you. Come on.
Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke
I saved for just such an occasion.
- Would you like to hear it?
- I'd be so grateful.
Righto.
Well, it's about me granddad, see?
One night he had a nightmare, he did.
He was so scared
that he chewed his pillow to bits. To bits.
Next morning I says,
"How do you feel, Granddad?"
He says, "Oh, not bad.
A little down in the mouth."
Yeah, I always say
there's nothing like a good joke.
No. And that was nothing like a good joke!
That...
Bit late tonight, aren't you, Banks?
I say, Banks!
Is anything the matter, Banks?
Banks!
- Oh, Father, we're so glad you're home!
- Want to hear a joke?
We had the most wonderful afternoon
with Mary Poppins.
Speaking of afternoons,
the joke goes like this:
I know a man
with a wooden leg named Smith.
Smith?
We don't know anyone called Smith.
And there was a second chap,
and the second chap says,
"What's the name of his other leg?"
And we had a lovely tea party
on the ceiling!
Oh, children, please be quiet.
Mary Poppins says if we're good,
she'll take us there again.
Oh, Mary Poppins said that, did she?
Will you please return to your room?
Mary Poppins, will you be kind enough
to come with me?
As you wish.
Mary Poppins, I very much regret
what I must say to you.
Good evening, George.
Is anything the matter?
I'm afraid there is.
I'd love to stay, but I have to dress
for my rally in Hampstead.
Winifred, it is my wish that you be present!
Oh, yes, George, of course.
Mary Poppins, I must confess
I am extremely disappointed in you.
She's for it now. I've heard the master
do this speech before.
I don't deny that I am partially responsible
for allowing the children
to spend their days on worthless frivolity
to the exclusion of all else.
But it is high time
they learned the seriousness of life!
But, George, they're only children.
Precisely. And in the light
of what has happened...
George, are you certain
you know what you're doing?
I believe I do, Winifred.
A British bank is run with precision
A British home requires nothing less
Tradition, discipline and rules
must be the tools
Without them, disorder, chaos
Moral disintegration
In short, you have a ghastly mess
I quite agree.
The children must be molded,
shaped and taught
That life's a looming battle
to be faced and fought