him.
- No, don't!
- Right, the phones are dead.
Here's what we have for starters.
A roofer who fell in the storm.
He hasn't been X-rayed.
A guy struck by lightning.
A regular who thinks this is a clinic.
Auto accident, with contusions.
A possible labour.
No husband, six kids, all here.
Broken leg in the cast room.
And we need a doctor for the detox ward.
They're screaming for their medicine.
I can't fake being a doctor.
I couldn't fake being a lunatic.
This is easier.
None of them know what they're doing.
- What's a doctor do?
- Diagnose the clap.
- Then give 'em a shot.
- Somebody'll recognise I'm not Slattery.
Nobody keeps track of these emergency
doctors. They're moonlighters.
They blow in, work some shifts,
make their money and disappear.
- You're perfect for the job.
- Only if Chambers doesn't show up.
- Go to Psycho and check it out.
- I'm a doctor?
- You're a doctor.
- I'm a doctor.
Doctor, we need those dispositions.
Ladies and gentlemen,
can I have your attention?
The problem
with the medical profession?
- Too much buck passing.
- No shit.
You depend on me. I'm moonlighting.
I do the business and I'm gone.
Depend on yourselves.
You got good minds.
You're brilliant!
Screen those patients for me.
Nurse, help him out.
Give me your recommendations.
And remember what Hippocrates said.
Now, go to work.
Go to work. Let's go. Work, work!
One more time, Chambers.
What did you do with the lights?
You always want
to keep us in the dark.
Maybe the whole city's blacked out.
Yeah, right, sure.
Suffering delusions of grandeur.
Give me the radio and I'll find out.
What are you going to do?
Call in the SWAT team?
Are we going to sit here all night?
We're gonna sit here forever,
just as long as I have my hands around
your scrawny, pecker neck.
Nobody is gonna send us to Dannemora.
Shut up, fuckhead!
Oh, Dr Slattery, please!
What's the problem?
- Have you tried prune juice?
- Of course.
The last time I went was a week
and it wasn't such a good one.
Warm baths does the trick for me.
You'll be fine.
She's already taking suppositories
and nothing's moving.
She can't do it by herself.
We'll have to do a manual disimpaction.
Get the manual.
- What's that for?
- Oy, not this again!
What's the matter?
You gotta be kidding. Dr Joffe!
Dr Joffe! Dr Joffe, get over here.
It's an emergency. Take care of it.
He'll wish he went to law school.
- I need more penicillin.
- Coming right up.
What is it?
No diagnosis yet.
She hasn't been examined.
You haven't examined her yet?
And you have magic hands?!
What are you going to do
with these magic hands?
Wash them. They were just up
Mrs Nussbaum's magic butt.
I've given you all the glamorous jobs.
Examine this patient for me.
I have lots of things to do.
Yes, sir.
- Joffe.
- Sir?
- Get out here.
- But, sir...
Now. You're beginning to disgust me.
Go wash your magic hands.
Get your magic ass outta here.
Under the curtain!
- Sorry, sir.
- This is important. Quick.
- What a cute coat.
- Thank you very much.
- What seems to be the trouble?
- It hurts all over.
Here and here.
- And especially here.
- Doctor'll make it all better.
Stetho... stetheth...
Cool off. Make it nice.
- What do you hear?
- Oh, I hear...
I hear a little tiny voice and it's saying,
"Eddie, you're one lucky son of a bitch."
You know, I just love
a dedicated man in medicine.
They give so much and it makes me
want to give them something back.
Yes, dedicated. That's it.
I'm a dedicated doctor.
I'm a dedicated doctor, a good doctor.
This is my best day of doctoring.
- I love caring men.
- Oh, I care.
My cynical friend said doctors
just tell people they have the clap
and give 'em a shot. Imagine that!
You wouldn't have to tell me that.
- I know.
- Because that's why I'm here.
- Yes.
- I already have the clap.
Dr Joffe!
What the hell are you doing?
Building a wall?
No, this is the latest technique.
When