today because...
...my coach and my father
don't want me to blow my ride.
I get treated differently
because Coach thinks I'm a winner.
So does my old man.
I'm not a winner because I want to be.
I'm a winner because I've got strength
and speed. Like a race horse.
Thaќs how involved I am
in whaќs happening to me.
Yeah?
Thaќs very interesting.
Now why don't you tell me
why you're really in here?
Forget it!
Claire, want to see a picture of a guy
with elephantiasis of the nuts?
- Iќs pretty tasty.
- No, thank you.
(Bender)
How do you think he rides a bike?
- You'd consider dating a guy like this?
- Leave me alone.
If he had a great personality
and a cool car...
Although you'd have to ride
in the back seat because of his nuts.
- You know what I wish?
- Watch it. Brian is a cherry.
- A cherry?
- I wish I was on a plane to France.
- I'm not a cherry.
- When have you ever gotten laid?
- I've laid lots of times.
- Name one.
She lives in Canada.
I met her at Niagara Falls.
- You wouldn't know her.
- Ever laid anyone around here.
You and Claire did it?
- What are you talking about?
- Nothing. Leќs just drop it.
What?
Brian's telling me that,
in addition to girls in Niagara Falls,
you and he are riding
the hobby horse.
- Little pig!
- No, I'm not!
John said I was a cherry
and I said I wasn't.
Then what were you motioning
to Claire for?
- I don't appreciate this much, Brian.
- He is lying.
- You weren't motioning to Claire?
- You know he's lying.
(Bender) Were you
or were you not motioning to Claire?
Yeah, but it was only because I didn't
want her to know that I was a virgin.
Excuse me for being a virgin.
I'm sorry.
Why didn't you want me to know?
Iќs my personal, private business.
It doesn't sound
like you're doing any business.
I think iќs OK for a guy to be a virgin.
You do?
- Whaќs in there?
- Guess.
- Where's your lunch?
- You're wearing it.
You're nauseating.
- Whaќs that?
- Sushi.
Sushi?
Rice, raw fish and seaweed.
You won't accept a guy's tongue
in your mouth, but you eat that?
- Can I eat?
- I don't know. Give it a try.
(Slurps)
Whaќs your problem?
(Crunching)
What are we having?
Iќs just your standard,
regular lunch, I guess.
- Milk?
- Soup.
- Thaќs apple juice.
- I can read.
P.B. And J.
With the crusts cut off.
Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch.
All the food groups are represented.
Did your mum marry Mr Rogers?
No, Mr Johnson.
Here's my impression
of life at big Bri's house.
- "Son!"
- "Yeah, Dad?"
"How was your day, pal?"
"Great, Dad. How was yours?"
"Super. Say, son, how would you
like to go fishing this weekend?"
"Great, Dad.
But I've got homework to do."
"Thaќs all right, son.
You can do it on the boat."
"Gee!"
"Dear, isn't our son swell?"
"Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?"
- What about your family?
- Mine?
- Yeah.
- Thaќs real easy.
(lmitating father) "Stupid, worthless,
"no-good, goddamned, freeloading
son of a bitch.
"Retarded, bigmouth,
know-it-all, arsehole jerk!"
(lmitating mother)
"You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful."
(lmitating father) "Shut up, bitch!
Go fix me a turkey pot pie."
- "What about you, Dad?"
- "Fuck you!"
- "No, Dad, what about you?"
- "Fuck you!"
- "No, Dad, what about you?"
- "Fuck you!"
- Is that for real?
- You want to come over?
Bullshit. Iќs all part of your image.
- You don't believe me?
- (Andrew) No.
- No?
- Did I stutter?
Do you believe this?
Huh?
Iќs about the size of a cigar.
Do I stutter?
This is what you get in my house
when you spill paint in the garage.
I don't think that I need to sit
with you fucking dildos any more.
(Bender screams)
- You shouldn't have said that.
- How did I know?
I mean, he lies about everэthing.
Oh, shit!
Coffee. Looks like they scrape it
off the bottom of the Mississippi.
Everэthing's polluted.
The coffee, the kids...
- How do you know where Vernon went?
- I don't.
How do you know
when he'll be back?
I