What are you doing?
Let's try this, my darling.
We haven't done this in a long time.
Oh! Clark!
What's that noise?
What's going on?
Don't you kids knock anymore?
Sorry, we thought you were fighting.
No one is fighting in here.
It is very late.
Where is Mom?
I'm under here, kids.
Go back to bed.
Go back to bed now.
The bed was very soft.
Weirdo-rama!
It's the same street Wyatt Earp
kept law and order on.
It seems kind of dirty and touristy.
The Old West was dirty.
Everything isn't like home.
If it were, there would be no reason
for leaving home, right, Rusty?
Yeah, Dad. This is great.
I'm glad we didn't go to Hawaii.
I'll bet you are.
Okay, let's go get a drink.
Howdy, city slickers!
Welcome!
No fighting, cussing or gunslinging.
Watch what you say
to our bartender. He's ornery.
Thank you, sheriff.
Marshal.
Give me five, partner!
That guy was a crummy Wyatt Earp!
He's wearing jogging shoes!
Nah, they used to, Rusty.
Hey, knucklehead! Set us up
with four red-eyes, will you?
Hey, yellow-belly! I'm talking to you!
Hey, tenderfoot!
Move your chicken wings, turkey!
Clark! That's not nice!
It's part of the act, honey.
Hey, underpants!
I'm okay! I'm okay!
I'm all right!
That wasn't funny! A noise like that
could impair the kids' hearing.
It was real! It looked real, didn't it?
I thought it was real gun.
Didn't it look real when I fell down?
What?
Didn't it look real?
What?
Are you happy now, Clark?
She's deaf.
What's the difference? It was fun
anyway. Let's have a drink.
Pardon me, sir?
Catherine told us to follow 50.
I was thinking of taking
a detour to Liberal.
What for?
The House of Mud.
What's that?
The largest, freestanding
mud dwelling ever built!
The pioneers didn't have bricks,
so they used mud.
They didn't use mud, they used sod!
Right, Audrey.
When they ran out of sod,
they used mud!
Let's skip The House of Mud.
Dodge City was enough for today.
And Catherine and Eddie
are expecting us.
It's living history.
But, if you would rather visit
your cousins...
...it's okay with me.
I would rather see
a pile of mud than Eddie.
Stop it!
What's going on?
Rusty is licking his hand
and touching me with it!
Tell Rusty to behave himself.
Rusty, behave yourself!
But Audrey is eating candy and
smiling at me with her mouth open!
Audrey, eat with you mouth closed!
No eating in the car, kids!
You suck, you know that?
Retard!
I am trying to concentrate on the road!
"I've had some Ionely nights
"And I'll admit I cried sometimes
"Cause you were out of my life
"But then you called my name
"And you came back again
"I feel so inspired
"Kissing your lips of fire
"Little boy sweet, little boy sweet,
"Sweet little boy of mine
"Come a little closer"
You're driving 80 miles an hour!
Doesn't seem that fast, honey?
Slow down!
I don't know why,
we're making good time.
"Love for sale
"Appetizing, yummy love..."
They're here! Eddie, come on!
I can't believe it's been so long!
Eddie, you look terrific.
Come and meet your cousins!
Look how they've grown!
You have lost weight, Catherine!
She's added a few more mouths
to the litter.
Rusty and Audrey,
cousins Vicki and Dale.
And this is Eddie Junior and Junior.
The little one hanging onto
my skirt is Daisy-Mabel.
How old are you, little one.
She was born without a tongue, Clark.
But don't worry about her. She whistles
like a bird and eats like a horse.
Take your cousins out back
and show them your worm farm.
Come in the house, Ellen.
I've so much to tell you.
Look at that car!
That's the Family Truckster.
Boy, she's a beaut!
I like those "green walls."
We had some trouble in St. Louis.
Well, you're looking really...
...fit.
This is your homestead, huh?
Yeah, I don't know for how long, though.
The bank's been after me like
flies on a rib roast.
I know the feeling.
Oh, fuck it!
I bet you could use a cool one?
Now you're talking.
I'm going steady.
And I French kiss.