RUSTY: Where is Mom?
ELLEN: I'm under here, kids.
ELLEN: Go back to bed.
Go back to bed, now.
The bed was very soft.
"Weird-o-rama!"
CLARK: Thls Is the same street
Wyatt Earp kept law and order on.
ELLEN: It seems klnd of dlrty and tourlsty.
CLARK: The Old West was dlrty.
Everythlng Isn't Ilke home.
If It were, there'd be no reason
for leavlng home. Rlght, Rusty?
RUSTY: Yeah, Dad. Thls Is great.
I'm glad we dldrt go to Hawall.
CLARK: I'll bet you are.
[Honky-tonk music, background]
Let's go get a drink.
MAN: Howdy, city slickers!
Welcome! No fighting,
cussing or gunslinging.
WYATT EARP: Watch what you say
to our bartender. He's an ornery cuss.
Thank you, Sheriff.
Marshal.
CLARK: Sorry.
No sweat.
Give me five, partner!
That guy was a crummy Wyatt Earp!
He's wearing jogging shoes!
They used to, Rusty.
Hey, knucklehead!
Set us up with four redeyes, will you?
Hey, yellow-belly! I'm talking to you!
[Clark and Rusty giggle]
Hey, tenderfoot!
Move your chicken wings, turkey!
[Clark and Rusty laugh]
[Honky-tonk music continues, background]
Clark! That's not nice!
It's part of the act, honey.
Hey, underpants!
[Gunshot, Ellen screams]
I'm okay! I'm okay!
I'm all right!
[Clark laughs]
That wasrt funny! A noise like that
could impair the kids' hearing.
Ah, come on!
It was real! It looked real, didn't it?
I thought it was real gun.
Didrt it look real when I fell down?
AUDREY: What?
Didrt it look real?
What?
Are you happy now, Clark?
She's deaf.
What's the difference? It was fun anyway.
Let's have a drink.
Pardon me, sir?
Catherine said we just stay on 50.
CLARK: I was thinking of shooting over
to 54 and zipping down to Liberal.
What for?
The House of Mud.
RUSTY: What's that?
The largest freestanding mud dwelling
ever built!
You see, kids...
The pioneers didn't have bricks,
so they used mud.
They didn't use mud, they used sod!
CLARK: Right, Audrey.
When they ran out of sod, they used mud!
Let's skip The House of Mud.
Dodge City was enough for one day.
Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
It's living history.
But, if you'd rather see your cousins...
...it's okay by me.
Personally, I'd rather see a pile
of mud than Eddie.
Knock it off!
ELLEN: What's going on?
Rusty is licking his hand
and touching me with it!
Tell Rusty to behave himself.
Rusty, behave yourself!
Audrey is eating candy and smiling
with it stuck all over her teeth!
Audrey, eat with you mouth closed!
No eating in the car, kids!
You suck, you know that?
Retard!
I am trying to concentrate on the road!
[Pop song Llttle Boy Sweet
by June Pointer, background]
"I've had some lonely nights
[Rusty and Audrey continue arguing]
"And I'll admit I crled sometimes
"Cause you were out of my Ilfe
"But then you called my name
"And you came back agaln
"I feel so Insplred
"Klsslng your Ilps of flre
[Ellen stopping argument]
"Llttle boy sweet, Ilttle boy sweet
"Sweet Ilttle boy of mlne
"Come a Ilttle closer"
[Song fades off]
Clark.
You're doing 80 miles an hour!
Doesrt seem like it.
Slow down!
I don't know why.
We're making good time.
[Sings] "Love for sale
"Appetizing, yummy love..."
[Light instrumental music, background]
[Dog barking]
CATHERINE: They're here! Eddie, come on!
I can't believe it!
[Excited exchange of greetings]
Eddie, you look terrific.
Come and meet your second cousins!
Look how they've grown!
You have lost weight, Catherine!
EDDIE: She's added a few more mouths
to the litter.
[All laugh]
CATHERINE: Rusty and Audrey,
cousins Vicki and Dale.
Hi.
And this is Eddie Junior and Junior.
The little one hanging
on my skirt is Daisy-Mabel.
How old are you, little one?
She was born without a tongue, Clark.
But, don't worry about her. She whistles
like a bird and eats like a horse.
Take your little guests