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Как я съел собаку

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something, he said something,
and then you...
And this way until six in the morning.
Then you fell asleep, forgot everything, after forty minutes
alarm-clock rang, you got up...and where did everything go?
All certainty, those words...you stood up in your room
and: So...
After some time you attend your business in work or somewhere,
i don't know, you attend your business,
you walk through your city, pass by houses,
grocery you know,
pass by bus stop and newsstand you know,
there's red trams, yellow buses, blue trolleys,
you know all those lines - where do they go, where do they turn,
where do they come back.
You go thorugh your native city and people see such man.
That is, you go but people see such man!
You go like this and talk to yourself...
And don't talk to me like that!
Excuse me!
????
Actually, in this momen one wants to take as little space as possible.
Well, someday I weighed three and a half kilos?
Sure, it's hopeless to slim down that much now.
But one remembers that time like some flashes.
That means - it was good then. And that's why I don't remember anything about it.
And one wants to lie down so much, and to lie a little like this.
And this is before I was brought home, before
it was known if I was boy or girl,
before I was given some name.
I existed before that. I was floating in the darkness like a fish
and I had a tail.
Where did my tail go?
I don't remember, I don't remember anything about it
because it probably was really good.
I remember how dad used to bring me to kindergarten on sleigh.
I was being brought and above me was dark sky and stars.
And when I was being brought back from kindergarten
again there was dark and there were stars above me.
Where did day go?
Why don't I remember day?
Probably, because it was good during the day,
that's why I don't remember.
But somehow I remember so clearly about Russian Island!
I somehow remember this so clearly...in smallest details.
But that's not the most important, most important -
it's interesting wether there was a man, real man,
completely real man with name, surname, passport, passport number, adress,
that is, concrete, real man who in reality needed
what we were doing there.
Who could say: yes, I need it.
Who liked it and who could say: yes, I like what they're doing
and - fuck! - let them continue!
I can't imagine this man.
What man that must be!
I suppose...
there is no such man.
And never will there be any.
But I could fall down in the snow, look at the stars and think:
there are stars! and farther there are more stars!
behind stars there are more stars, and after that -
infinity! and another infinity...oh, infinity.
Better not to think about it. Infinity.
Infinity.
Or you could lie in your room and think when you were little:
oh, granny will die, then...
that's very bad that granny would die, but she will.
Then parents will die. That won't be anytime soon,
all in all that's terrible, better not to think about it,
but after that I will die.
That will completely, totally...but I will die in the end...
you think: die, die...I will die!
Suddenly you understood that...and you can't
simply lie down in your room alone.
You went to your parents, knocked at the door. And
dad: what are you doing there! go to sleep!
And you think: really, what came in my mind?
And all three years
threre was one and the same thought in my head:
I want to go home. Even without "I", just:
want to go home, want to go home...
like when train is rumbling - t-dk, t-dk, t-dk...
one and the same though all the time.
You don't even pay attention to it like to rumbling of the train,
but when the trains stops in it becomes silent you realize:
oh, it was rumbling.
And the same here:
want to go home, want to go home...
Three years of service ended, I returned home,
and for the first night I slept in my home.
I dreamt about this so much, I thought I would sleep
twenty four hours...
I would sleep for twenty four
Как я съел собаку Как я съел собаку

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