got his hands on her tits
right at the table.
Stop staring.
European standards of public behavior
are different than ours.
But they're from Akron.
Audrey, I've missed the shit out of you.
Luckily, Debbie came by to cheer me up.
- That bitch!
- Something the matter, Audrey?
It's time we asked ourselves
this question:
Is this relationship strong enough
for us to consider seeing other people?
I think it is.
Pass the croissants, please.
And the butter and jelly.
I'm glad your appetite's back.
Who have I got to be thin for?
He's going to pork her.
He isn't going to pork her. Now eat.
I think he is.
He may pork her. Just eat, okay?
There it is, kids.
My motherland.
Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.
Shut up, Russ.
I can't wait to meet our relatives,
in person.
Dipplestrabe.
What are we looking for?
- Sechs.
- That will do, Audrey.
That's German for "six. "
Is that true?
My family and I are looking for sechs.
There's number six.
Fritz, Clark Griswald. Good to see you.
Remember Ellen from her letters?
There she is.
And Rusty and Audrey.
They've gotten bigger since the pictures.
Sorry we're late. I went to
the wrong door. Thanks for the invitation.
This must be the German dining room.
Isn't it nice?
Clark, it's just as I imagined.
It's so quaint.
Yeah, maximum quaintness.
You must be Helga. We made it.
You know Ellen, my wife,
and Rusty and Audrey.
Let me help you in the kitchen.
Come on, kids.
Go help in the kitchen. Help Helga out.
So, Fritz, how you been?
Long time never seen.
Here's your cousin Al.
He's a hotshot lawyer.
They'll probably get him on tax evasion.
Here's the baby.
You don't believe that cock-and-bull story
about the baby being premature?
I didn't think so.
When me and Jack got together,
we'd been seeing other people.
But this is different, because Debbie
is my best friend, don't you think?
God, it's so good
to have someone to talk to.
I tell my parents stuff but they don't
seem to know what I'm talking about.
- What are you talking about?
- You see?
God, I miss Jack.
I was just thinking.
Blood really is thicker than water.
It's amazing how family ties
break through language barriers.
This has been my favorite part of the trip.
Dad, look. Bedpans.
You've been so sweet. Here's our address.
When you come to Chicago,
come stay with us.
Thanks for the marvelous conversation.
We'll write.
A festival.
It looks like fun. Come on, kids.
- What's your name?
- Claudia. And yours?
- I'm Rusty.
- Hello.
Do you ever get to leave here?
What's so funny? This is great, isn't it?
I love these.
Who wants bratwurst, mustard and relish?
Holy shit!
Hey, you! Come on!
Very good. We need one more.
A big strong man.
Hey, you! Come on!
Come on, don't be afraid.
I don't know if I can do that.
Just follow the others.
Isn't he great?
- Those bells haven't rung in years.
- What does it mean?
They're going to hang somebody!
Dad.
Hurry up!
Oh, shit.
- It's too narrow!
- There's plenty of room.
I know this car.
Get out! There goes the paint job.
Why the sour puss?
You ruined what could have been
the best day of my life.
What are you complaining about? I lost
my boyfriend thanks to this vacation.
- I vote we stop talking about Jack.
- I vote for that.
I vote we don't talk
about schedules anymore.
Me, too.
I'm for that.
I vote we don't talk at all until we get
to Rome and everybody calms down.
Maybe then we can act
like mature human beings.
Clark, I thought we'd talk.
What are we doing?
We're going to a travelers checks place
to get our money refunded.
We'll rent a new car, buy some clothes...
...and finish the best goddamn vacation
of our lives.
Let's go.
I think Dad's lost all sense of reality.
Let's get out of here.
What are we going to do with him?
Kill him?
Don't be stupid. We never kill anyone.
Then, what do we do?
I've got a better idea.
We can hold him