considerate of my feelings.
You know, I think you'd also like
to know that he is a very gentle lover.
Excuse me?
No, don't get me wrong.
No, not in like a sissy way.
When he gets going...
...he can rattle a headboard
like a sailor on leave.
That's...my boy.
Awesome.
I'm not gonna watch it.
I don't need to watch it.
I mean, what good could
possibly come from watching it?
Well, we know I'm gonna watch it.
-Hey, dude, what's up?
-Don't judge me! I'm only human!
Did you take that tape?
I had to! lmagine you were married
and you found a tape of your wife...
...in another guy's apartment. Wouldn't
you need to know what was on it?
I don't know. Who am I married to?
Some girl.
She hot?
How did she get me to settle down?
All right, I'm gonna watch it.
I mean, it's probably
not even what I think it is.
Even if it is, it can't possibly be as
bad as what I'm picturing in my head.
Can it?
See, in my experience,
if a girl says yes to being taped...
...she doesn't say no to much else,
I'll tell you.
-Then you have to watch it for me.
-What?
Just for a few seconds
so I can know what it is. Please?
All right, fine. But if I enjoy this,
you have only yourself to blame!
-Why am I hearing cheering?
-It's okay. It's just a football game.
-It's just football?
-You were all worried for nothing.
It's football! It's just football!
This is great! This is the first time
I've ever enjoyed football!
I think it may be customary
to get a beer!
What the...?
-What are you doing?
-You don't wanna see what I just saw!
What are you guys doing?
Oh, my God! Is that Richard?
Okay, please laugh for Mommy.
Please?
Please laugh for Mommy.
Not funny, huh?
Well, so is it...
...only offensive novelty rap?
Or maybe just, you know, rap in general.
Because Mommy can rap.
I can't rap.
All right, sweetheart. This is
only because I love you so much.
And I know that you're
not gonna tell anybody.
Emma, you're laughing! You are!
You really do like big butts, don't you?
You beautiful little weirdo.
You missed it! She was laughing!
It was amazing.
It was amazing. It was the most
beautiful, beautiful sound.
I know, isn't it?
What'd you do to get her to laugh?
You know, I just....
A couple of things I tried. Different....
Just sang a little
"The ltsy-Bitsy Spider."
You sang "Baby Got Back, " didn't you?
Nothing else worked!
That girl is all about the ass!
And then it goes back to the chorus.
Resolve.
And that's the end of the song.
I realize you hadn't asked
to hear it...
...but no one had spoken
in 17 minutes.
Phoebe writes lots of songs. What was
that one you sang the other night?
"Pervert Parade"?
-"Ode to a Pubic Hair"?
-Stop.
Oh, God. Is that veal?
Mom, I thought I told you,
Phoebe's a vegetarian.
No, that's okay. That's okay.
I mean, I am a vegetarian...
...except for veal.
Yeah. No. Veal I love.
-Phoebe, you don't have to eat that.
-Any baby animals. Kittens, fish babies.
But, you know, especially veal.
You know, and this nice vein of fat
running through it.
Yummy.
So...
...what do you think?
So you stole that tape
from Richard's apartment?
Listen to the judgment
from the porn star!
That tape was never meant
to be seen by....
Joey, I would feel more comfortable
if this conversation were in private.
Monica, look, I don't think you and I
have any secrets anymore.
Not ready to joke about it yet?
See you later.
Why in the world would you take
this tape? And why would you watch it?
Because that's who I am. Okay?
I'm sure a man like Richard could see
a tape like that and not be bothered.
It'd just be another saucy anecdote...
...for him to share at his men's club
over brandy and mustaches.
Is all of this about you not being able
to grow a mustache?
This is about you and Richard.
He's clearly not over you.
He keeps a tape so he can
look at it whenever he wants.
Isn't that sad?
Can't you see how pathetic that is?
Don't be jealous.
You should