can't afford one, the court will appoint one for us.
Look on the bright side. The tabloids will go nuts.
"Spa trio gives jizz to Joan." We'll be famous.
Well, she'll be famous. We'll be stoned in the streets.
That's the bright side?
I don't wanna hear the dark side!
Too late. I hear clicking down the hall.
Ladies, time is money, and at my age inflation's a bitch.
I want to know who's responsible for La Premiere Vie face mask?
It was my idea.
Well, let's cut right to the chase.
I think you know why I'm here, Julia.
Ms. Rivers, please let me just say--
Yesterday, I went home, I looked in the mirror.
I looked like a goddamn gabor sister! I was a mess!
If I lived in Afghanistan, I wouldn't even come in last in a wet burka contest.
I figured I had nothing to lose, so...
Oh, dear god!
Take a look at me.
The three of you take a look at me!
This stuff is miraculous!
I'm canceling my surgery!
And I'm here to offer the three of you a deal.
50/50, plus my personal endorsement and infomercial.
I'll have my lawyers draw up some contracts.
Of course, with my name on it,
we'll have this stuff on the face of every woman in America by Christmas.
Uh, with your name?
Of course!
Joan Rivers...
Forever.
But it's our signature product.
Your signature is worth bubkis.
It's our entree into the business. It has to be connected to De La Mer.
Ok, whatever. Then it'll be, uh... "Joan Rivers' De La Mer...
La Premiere Vie, La Dolce Vida, La Grande Casa-- "
who gives a damn? We'll just get a bigger jar!
- But I want 50%.
- We'll take it.
Ok. So, pending, of course, the manufacturer's specs.
I want to know what is in this fabulous shit!
Well, the active ingredient is...
a spa secret.
Your spa does not need a secret. Your spa is a secret!
Ms. Rivers, we have no intention of divulging it to you or anyone,
despite whatever advantages your name affords us.
Take it or leave it.
I totally underestimated you.
I thought you were just one of those little... blond whoop de doops.
Deal.
I'll have my lawyer send the new contracts around in the morning.
See you tomorrow. Partners.
And as for you...
your husband was a schmuck to have dumped you.
Schmuck.
They're beautiful, aren't they?
Did you know koi are one of the only fish that can see color?
And apparently those guys can live to be over a hundred years old.
They look sad.
Like they're trapped or something.
But they're a lot safer in here than in a lake, right?
Fighting off predators and bacteria.
They may not understand it, but if they did, I bet they'd feel a lot better.
Will it hurt?
The operation?
During? No.
After? Maybe a little.
But you're a tough kid.
I think you're strong enough to handle it. So does your mom.
What if I refuse to do it?
Would I be killed, like my dad?
I don't know. But I don't want you to take that chance.
I know it's tough when you think about what you'll be giving up,
but when you think about what you're getting--
a chance to grow up safe and protected...
it's worth it.
Well, we should go.
I promised to have you home before dinner.
Hey.
Those fish in there...
they really live to be over a hundred?
That's what I've heard.
Ok. I can handle it.
But I want you to be the one who does it.
May I come in?
Ah ha... I was actually planning on coming by later today.
I know that there are some papers for me to sign?
We're not gonna do the surgery, Mr. White.
- Is it a matter of money?
- No.
- Because if it is, I can pay more.
- No.
- How much do you want?
- No, it's got nothing to do with money.
Dr. Costa assured me for a hundred thousand--
He shouldn't have made any promises prematurely. Not without consulting me.
I apologize.
I have the name of a preeminent cognitive therapist.
His speciaLizes in treating patients with ocd and other phobias.
He feels confident that your particular... fetish--
It's not a fetish.
It is a legitimate medical condition.
Whatever it is,
he believes that he can treat it