going
to have that raise.
Forget it,
we'll move.
Sorry, a momentary attack
of shallowness.
I'm over it.
You worked so hard
for this promotion.
What changed
your mind ?
It was alf.
Alf convinced me
we'd be happier here.
Although, instead of
destroying the house,
Why didn't we just
talk about it ?
That was plan b.
Closet door.
It'll take at
least 2 weekends ...
To make repairs.
You could have
howard help.
He's handy
with tools.
[ Door bell ]
Hi, i'm here
to see the house.
I'm sorry, we just
took it off the market.
What !Are
you jerking
me around ?
I came all the way from
costa mesa to see this.
I really think
i should see it.
You can see it, but
you're not buying it.
Why not ?
Whoa !
I am out of here !
Great !Now we've got
a furnished basement.
Whoa !
I am out of here !
Captions performed by
captions, inc.Los angeles, ca
Captions copyrighted
by alien productions.
All rights reserved.[ Doorbell ]
Hi, pete.
Hi, willie. !
Another package
for alf tanner.
How much ?
$29.95
You got off easy
this time.
There you go.
I'll see you.
Yeah.
Probably
this afternoon.
Oh, alf.
I have a package
and a lecture for you.
How come those things
always come in pairs ?
Oh boy !
It came.
Oh, alf,
what is it this time ?
Beats me.
You're getting
styrofoam all
over the carpet.
Sorry.
Yuck !
They're stale.
Look !It's a
ventriloquist's dummy.
I saw one of these
little guys on tv.
He was
hilarious.
Come on, dummy,
speak to me.
Just my luck --
He's a mute.
**
Come on,
talk !
Talk !
Don't make me get
the rubber hose.
He's broken.
Look's like
you blew $30.
I'm not going to raise my
voice or threaten you.
I'm just going to say
for the 928th time --
Please don't ever
do this again.
I'd better send willie
some flowers.
Bring me the phone.
No.
You've got to stop spending
other people's money.
People like it
when you spend
their money.
On melmac, that's how
you said "i care."
If you don't stop "caring",
you'll send dad to the
poorhouse.
I noticed you haven't
said very much.
You have to
make him talk.
Like this --
Hi, alf,
pleased to meet you.
That's amazing !
He sounds just like you.
That was me.
You just pull
this string.
He'll open his mouth
and say whatever you want.
We had a guy like that
on melmac -- Our president.
Here.
You try it.
Hi lynn.
Pay no attention
to the furry guy ...
With his hand
up my back.
You're not supposed
to move your lips.
What lips ?
You have to talk with
your mouth closed.
No problem.
Mm mmmm.
Mmm mm mmmmmmmmm
mm mmm mmm,
Mmmm mmm mmmm
mm mm mmmm.
What should
i name him ?
I don't know.
Their names are
usually goofy --
Like mortimer snerd,
knuckle-Head smith.
I think i'll
call him ...
Paul.
Paul ?
That's not a goofy name.
It is on melmac.
One time i called
a guy "paul" --
I ended up with
14 stitches.
Good thing i
didn't call him a
"son of a paul."
I'll remember that,
Although i don't know why.
Look !This
teaches you to talk
without moving your mouth.
Repeat after me ...
A boy bought a baboon.
What boy ?
I don't know.
Where did he buy it ?
It doesn't matter.
Can i have one ?
It never happened !
Then why spread
these rumors ?
That's it !
I'm doing my homework
someplace else !
Well, thanks
for all your help !
Want to play a
computer game ?
Not right now.
Want to help me
learn ventriloquism ?
Sure.
What do i do first ?
First you plug
in the vacuum,
And suck up all
that styrofoam.
No way !
I'm not as gullible
as i used to be.
Where's everybody going ?
Boy !
Doesn't anybody want to
have any fun around here ?
I do.
[Alf]  * ta da *
Welcome to the
tanner dinner theatre.
Starring
gordon
shumway,
and paul.
What are you doing ?
No talking
during the
performance.
Now,
our opening joke --
Say "hello", dummy.
Hello,
dummy.
Ha, ha.
Oh, brother.
Uh oh,
the crowd looks tough.
So does the
roast beef.
[