was performing and I started
to talk to the audience seriously.
About my life,
about life in Russia.
Everyone laughed.
They thought it was a joke.
I bet if I were to spit
from the stage onto the first row,
they'd still laugh,
they'd think it was a joke.
Found yourself a clown?
I'm no clown.
I've only really earned one smile.
One single smile.
When I was playing that old man.
As a kid, I stayed alone a lot
with my sick grandma.
I was five or six, yeah, six.
She collapsed.
I could tell she was dying.
I called an ambulance,
but it took forever.
I gave her medicine.
I was terrified.
She was my grandmother, after all.
I decided to cheer her up.
I started imitating
her neighbor, Sima,
and another friend of hers.
They were both very funny.
Grandma was in a lot of pain
but I saw her smile.
Even when they were carrying her body
out, I saw a smile on her face.
All that...
...laughter...
...and a smile.
And that Chechen kid...
The old man...
I could feel in my bones...
...their horrible fear...
...and loneliness.
Same as when I was with my grandmother
while she was dying.
That was the only smile
I ever really earned.
Good thing there are mats.
I could've broken my back.
What a Russian story.
Yeah.
Everything here is very Russian somehow.
It's not Harvard.
Yes. It's not Harvard.
Really got to you, huh?
Hey, let's do one more experiment.
You did an experiment.
I just want to check one thing.
Now, just imagine...
You have an imagination, right?
Me?
It's not bad. It's...
It's part of my profession.
Naturally! Yeah!
Now, imagine...
...you're coming home.
Late at night.
- Are you married?
- I am.
Hold this, please.
- Do you have kids?
- Yes. A little girl.
- What kind of car?
- An Audi-80.
So, imagine that you're coming home
late one night.
You live in a good area,
nice building, right?
With a concierge, security cameras,
and everything,
secure parking lot,
a gate, a guard.
I have a keychain alarm.
Kolya the guard...
His name is Kolya.
Uncle Petya the custodian.
- Uncle Valera.
- Uncle Valera.
- Hi, Uncle Valera.
- You know them, and they know you.
You're not afraid.
Not at all.
It's your home.
Your very well-guarded home.
And so, you park your wheels
in the usual place
and suddenly you notice
something's wrong.
- What's wrong?
- The light's on in your window.
They're usually asleep by now,
but the light's on.
So? Maybe they waited up.
Of course.
They decided to wait up for you.
But there's a noise
so you ask Valera.
"Everything OK?"
He says: "Yes, it's fine".
You go in.
Auntie Polya, the concierge, smiles.
Everything's fine.
Just listen.
You go to the elevator.
You live on the fifth floor, right?
Right. How did you know?
I really do live on the fifth floor.
Of course you do.
It's the best one.
Not too high, not too low.
And it has a good view.
But why aren't they asleep?
Why? You'll see the surprise
they've made for you.
Here it is, fifth floor. "Fifth floor".
It's a woman's voice:
"Fifth floor".
Oh, those little scamps,
they're not asleep.
They're waiting for dad.
They have a surprise for him.
- I open the door.
- You open the door.
Wipe your feet.
Did you wipe them?
- And it's quiet.
- What's quiet?
The apartment, very quiet.
It's never been so quiet.
And the lights.
Lights are on everywhere.
Things are scattered.
A child's slipper. Just one.
A large bath towel.
On the floor.
You know what's going on.
You call them.
Please, an answer.
"Please let them answer".
But they're silent.
The emergency phone
is on the right.
- On the left.
- Sorry, left.
The cord's torn out, the receiver's
on the floor. You turn around slowly...
- And... There it is!
- What?
There!
Blood under the door.
It opens.
On the chandelier hangs...
A panda.
A big stuffed panda.
Your daughter's favorite.
And it's not blood.
It's a broken wine bottle.
All is not lost.
You run to the bedroom.
And here they are!