Yeah.
- Well, you-- I was dreaming.
- Must have almost died.
- Yeah.
Shit.
And what were you doing while
I was being escorted by dead relatives...
...to the bright light? Jacking off?
No, no, no. You saw me.
I was on the phone.
I summoned the paramedics.
- I sprung into action without delay.
- Bullshit. You were cleaning your pipe.
I was wrapping my pipe.
You were unconscious.
You the only person in the universe
who never heard of the Heimlich maneuver?
All right,
I'm gonna give you a little feedback...
...since you seem to be proceeding
through life like a cat without whiskers...
...perpetually caught
behind the refrigerator.
Your life and watching you live it...
...is like a gag reel
of ineffective bodily functions.
I swear to God that a toddler
has a better understanding...
...of the intricacies of chew, swallow,
digest, don't kill yourself on your TV dinner.
And yet, you've managed
to turn this near-death fuck-up of yours...
...into a moral referendum on me.
- You are a monster!
- Oh, fuck.
- You are a billy goat.
- A sick, depraved un--
Charles Freck, becoming progressively
more and more depressed...
...by what was happening around him,
decided finally to off himself.
There was no problem
in the circles where he hung out...
...in putting an end to yourself.
You just bought a large quantity of downers
and took them with cheap wine.
The planning part had to do
with the artifacts...
...he wanted found on him
by later archeologists.
He had spent several days deciding...
...much longer than he had spent
deciding to kill himself.
He would be found lying on his back
on his bed...
...with a copy of Ayn Rand's
The Fountainhead...
...and an unfinished letter to Exxon...
...protesting the cancellation
of his gas credit card.
That way, he would indict the system
and achieve something by his death...
...over and above
what the death itself achieved.
At the last moment,
he changed his mind on a decisive issue...
...and decided to drink the pills
with a connoisseur wine...
...instead of Ripple or Thunderbird.
So he set off on one last drive,
over to Tiny's Liquors...
...which specialized in fine wines...
...and bought a bottle
of 2001 Azalea Springs Merlot...
...which set him back almost $70.
Back home again, he uncorked the wine,
let it breathe, drank a few glasses of it...
...and tried to think
of something meaningful, but could not.
And then, with a glass of merlot,
gulped down all the pills at once.
However, he had been burned.
Instead of quietly suffocating,
Charles Freck began to hallucinate.
The next thing he knew,
a creature from between dimensions...
...was standing beside his bed,
looking down at him disapprovingly.
You're gonna read me my sins?
It's gonna take 100,000 hours?
Your sins will be read to you ceaselessly,
in shifts, throughout eternity.
The list will never end.
"The Sins of Freck."
Charles Freck wished he could take back
the last half-hour of his life.
"Age 6, in the first grade:
theft of fingernail clippers.
3:08 p.m. Theft.
You did knowingly and with malice
punch your baby sister, Evelyn.
Kicking the dog.
December: theft of Christmas presents.
One million lies. Destruction of..."
One thousand years later,
they had reached the sixth grade...
...the year he had discovered
masturbation.

------------------------------
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