You must be a fuckin'idiot.
I'm a fuckin' idiot
'cause I can't make a lamp?
No, you're a genius 'cause
you can't make a lamp.
What do you know
about trigonometry?
I could care less
about trigonometry.
Bender, did you know without
trigonometry, there'd be no engineering?
Without lamps,
there'd be no light.
Okay, so neither one of you
is any better than the other one.
I can write with my toes.
I can also eat,
brush my teeth...
With your feet?
- Play "Heart And Soul" on the piano.
- I can make spaghetti.
What can you do?
I can, uh, tape
all of your buns together.
I wanna see
what Claire can do.
- I can't do anything.
- Everybody can do something.
There's one thing I can do.
- No, forget it. It's way too embarrassing.
- You ever seen Wild Kingdom?
That guy's been doing
that show for 30 years.
Okay. But you have to swear
to God you won't laugh.
Okay.
I can't believe
I'm actually doing this.
Yea.!
All right. That's great!
Where'd you learn to do that?
Camp.
Seventh grade.
That was great, Claire.
My image of you
is totally blown.
You're a shit. Don't do that to her.
You swore to God you wouldn't laugh.
- Am I laughing?
- You fuckin' prick!
What do you care
what I think anyway?
I don't even count,
right?
I could disappear forever
and it wouldn't make any difference.
I may as well not even exist
at this school, remember?
And you...
don't like me anyway.
You know, I have just as
many feelings as you do...
and it hurts just as much when
somebody steps all over them.
God, you're so pathetic.
Don't you ever,
ever compare yourself to me, okay?
You got everything,
and I got shit.
Fuckin'Rapunzel, right?
School would probably shut down
if you didn't show up.
Queenie isn't here.
I like those earrings, Claire. Shut up.
Are those real diamonds,
Claire? Shut up!
I bet they are.
Did you work for the money...
Shut your mouth!
For those earrings?
Or did your daddy buy
those for you? Shut up!
I bet he bought those
for you.
I bet those were
a Christmas gift, right?
You know what I got
for Christmas this year?
It was a banner fucking year at the old
Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes.
The old man grabbed me and said,
"Hey, smoke up, Johnny. "
Okay, so go home and cry to
your daddy. Don't cry here, okay?
My God, are we gonna
be like our parents?
Not me.
Ever.
It's unavoidable.
It just happens.
What happens?
When you grow up,
your heart dies.
- Who cares?
- I care.
Um, I was just thinking,
I mean...
I know it's kind of a weird time,
but I was just wondering, um...
what is going to happen
to us on Monday...
when we're all
together again?
I mean, I consider
you guys my friends.
- I'm not wrong, am I?
- No.
So... So on Monday,
what happens?
Are we still friends,
you mean?
- If we're friends now, that is.
- Yeah.
- Do you want the truth?
- Yeah, I want the truth.
I don't think so.
- With all of us or just John?
- With all of you.
That's a real nice attitude,
Claire. Oh, be honest, Andy.
If Brian came walking up to you in
the hall on Monday, what would you do?
I mean, picture this.
You're there with all the sports.
You know exactly what you'd do. You'd
say hi to him, and when he left...
you'd cut him all up so your friends
wouldn't think you really liked him.
- No way.
- Okay.
- What if I came up to you?
- Same exact thing.
You are a bitch!
Why, 'cause I'm telling the truth?
That makes me a bitch?
No, you know how shitty
that is to do to someone.
And you don't got the balls
to stand up to your friends...
and tell them you're gonna like
who you wanna like.
Okay, what about you,
you hypocrite?
Why don't you take Allison to one
of your heavy metal vomit parties?
Or take Brian out to the
parking lot at lunch to get high?
Or what about Andy for
that matter? What about me?
What would your friends say if we
were walking down the hall together?
They'd laugh their asses off, and you'd
tell them you