again
- You did what?
- I got stoned.
Took her top off,
played with her bongos.
- I did not!
- It was incredible!
It was more than incredible, it was fun.
I felt naked when people looked at me
before. But they weren't looking at me...
...they were looking at someone
I put on. Like a costume.
If I don't have a personality, so what?
I'm an actress.
I can put on
as many personalities as I want.
- To schizophrenia!
- Abso-fucking-lutely!
- Abso-fucking-what?
- You kids ready to order now?
- Michael?
- Yeah.
You don't remember?
Two years ago. I'm Doris Fin-
I was Doris Finsecker, when
you were a senior at P.A.
- Yeah. Around the corner.
- You remember Montgomery MacNeil...
...and Ralph Garci.
- Sure. Good old days.
DORIS:
How was Hollywood?
Slow.
I met some people,
went to some parties.
- I did a pilot for a series.
- I didn't see it.
Nobody saw it.
Sorry.
I did a couple of days as a male nurse.
- Oh, yeah?
- Did you?
- On a soap.
- Oh.
- I didn't like L.A. Too much.
- It sucks out there.
- Are you studying?
- I catch a class when I can.
Hard times, you know?
- I read for a showcase.
- Oh, really?
I got a callback next week.
- Hope you get it.
- Hey, good luck.
Yeah.
Yeah. Well...
What you kids having?
Got a special today on fried clams.
- Fried clams sound great.
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Fried clams is great.
DORIS: Yeah, sounds good.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
MAN: Of course.
Welcome to Catch a Rising Star.
MAN: Tonight is Monday night.
Did anybody know it was Monday night?
Monday night is audition night.
Anybody from anywhere...
...can come up here and do
what they want.
You should see what walks in the room.
Some of the people that started here
were David Brenner...
...Jimmie Walker...
...Gabe Kaplan, Freddie Prinze.
Maybe this next young man might...
...watch them on television.
Please welcome the comedy stylings...
...of Ralph Garci, ladies and gentlemen.
Yay, Ralph!
Thank you.
Like Richard said,
my name is Ralph Garci.
I'm a professional asshole.
[YELLS]
I see we have a few
amateurs in the audience.
That's very good. I have some-
Some. I have all of my friends here
tonight. From P.A. Graduating class.
- From P.A.! Whoa!
- Whoa!
It's very important to have friends.
I live in the South Bronx.
That's the country just north of Harlem
and west of Puerto Rico.
It's a very tough neighborhood.
The dogs carry knives. Right.
Did you ever see a baby
with a zip gun?
You gotta have friends. You can't
alienate anybody up there. Nobody.
Black people, white people, Chicanos,
Puerto Ricans, cockroaches.
You gotta respect cockroaches.
They got a good union.
Last week, 15,000 marched down my
block demanding better housing.
But I love the South Bronx.
Everywhere you go from there is up.
Everybody has dreams in the
South Bronx. I had dreams.
Stop your average boy
on a South Bronx street...
...and ask him
what he wants to be.
"I want to be an ex-junkie, man."
You can see them every day.
You can't drive because of the dreams
on the streets being seen by cokeheads.
The minute that white line's laid down
the street, you got somebody going:
It's true.
And then there is sex.
Oh, yeah.
Kids are into sex earlier in South Bronx.
Like about 6 a.m.
DORIS: You were wonderful.
RALPH: No.
- Really.
- I was good. I felt more than good.
- The guy wants me back.
- You're kidding!
He wants to book me regularly.
- Great!
- That's not great...
...it's fantastic! It's like electricity.
You're out there. Those faces are
out there, staring at you...
...and you draw them in, then
you hit them with the juice.
And bam! They fucking explode!
And that power goes back and forth.
Next thing you know,
you're making them laugh.
That is the meanest high there is.
That beats dope. That beats sex.
I love fucking acting!
With my money, we can get
a place. We can get married maybe.
I'll have $20,000 a week, a hit
TV series, my face on TV Guide!
-