David Brenner...
...Jimmie Walker...
...Gabe Kaplan, Freddie Prinze.
Maybe this next young man might...
...watch them on television.
Please welcome the comedy stylings...
...of Ralph Garci, ladies and gentlemen.
Yay, Ralph!
Thank you.
Like Richard said,
my name is Ralph Garci.
I'm a professional asshole.
I see we have a few
amateurs in the audience.
That's very good. I have some-
Some. I have all of my friends here
tonight. From P.A. Graduating class.
From P.A.!
It's very important to have friends.
I live in the South Bronx.
That's the country just north of Harlem
and west of Puerto Rico.
It's a very tough neighborhood.
The dogs carry knives. Right.
Did you ever see a baby
with a zip gun?
You gotta have friends. You can't
alienate anybody up there. Nobody.
Black people, white people, Chicanos,
Puerto Ricans, cockroaches.
You gotta respect cockroaches.
They got a good union.
Last week, 15,000 marched down my
block demanding better housing.
But I love the South Bronx.
Everywhere you go from there is up.
Everybody has dreams in the
South Bronx. I had dreams.
Stop your average boy
on a South Bronx street...
...and ask him
what he wants to be.
"I want to be an ex-junkie, man. "
You can see them every day.
You can't drive because of the dreams
on the streets being seen by cokeheads.
The minute that white line's laid down
the street, you got somebody going:
It's true.
And then there is sex.
Oh, yeah.
Kids are into sex earlier in South Bronx.
Like about 6 a. m.
You were wonderful.
No.
- Really.
- I was good. I felt more than good.
- The guy wants me back.
- You're kidding!
He wants to book me regularly.
- Great!
- That's not great...
...it's fantastic! It's like electricity.
You're out there. Those faces are
out there, staring at you...
...and you draw them in, then
you hit them with the juice.
And bam! They fucking explode!
And that power goes back and forth.
Next thing you know,
you're making them laugh.
That is the meanest high there is.
That beats dope. That beats sex.
I love fucking acting!
With my money, we can get
a place. We can get married maybe.
I'll have $20,000 a week, a hit
TV series, my face on TV Guide!
- Wait!
- What?
- What about me? Don't I get a career?
- A career? I'll give you a career.
How about Shakespeare in the Park
and you get to win 17 Tony awards?
- All right. Bye.
- All right. Okay. Bye.
- Bye!
- Don't mug anybody.
- Don't rape anybody.
- I'll rape you.
Don't rape anybody, okay?
I'll see you later. Take care.
You see...
...I've been offered this place
with the San Francisco Ballet.
I haven't told anyone yet,
but I'm gonna take it.
I don't care what they think.
I'm a good dancer. Better than good.
Maybe even the best in the school.
That's not conceit.
It's just simple honesty.
If I stay in New York, everybody will
think I bought my way into ABT.
I'm not starving myself to death
for Balanchine's City Ballet.
Not that I mind doing
the corps de ballet bullshit.
I'd sooner do it out of town.
I'll pay my dues on the West Coast.
Come back to New York as a star.
You see...
...I've always had this crazy dream...
...of dancing all the classical
roles before I'm 21.
I want Giselles and Coppelias
coming out of my feet.
And Sleeping Beauties...
...and the Swan.
I want bravos in Stuttgart
and Leningrad...
...and Paris.
Maybe even a ballet
created especially for me.
You see...
...there's no room for a baby.
Will this be Master Charge
or American Express, honey?
Excuse me.
You're an actress, aren't you?
I might be.
A Chorus Line, right?
Aren't you the one that does that
hot, smoky number in the red dress?
I'm right, ain't I? I knew it.
Boy, let me tell you, you are
the best thing in that show.
I guess you get tired of hearing that.
Excuse me.
No, I don't.
You don't belong there.
If you don't mind my
saying so, you're a star.
You need a show all to yourself.
- You've got a lovely