hang on or hang up.
All right?
It's a great pleasure to introduce
a young man who's funny and loud.
Especially during my act.
Please welcome the comedy stylings
of Ralph Garci, ladies and gentlemen.
That's right. My name is Ralph Garci,
and I'm a professional asshole.
That's right. I see we have a couple
of amateurs in the audience tonight.
Don't we?
I see. How about sign language?
We have a standing ovation
over there.
That's great. Hon, where you from?
Okey-dokey. That's my best friend.
Yeah, friends are important.
I live in the South Bronx, and up there,
you got the Harlems of...
Shit! I'm sorry.
Excuse me. Fuck it.
That was supposed to be...
The north... The countries north
of Harlem and west of Puerto Rico.
That's what it was supposed to be.
Yes, indeed it was.
Anyway, there's lots of things there:
Rats, cockroaches,
and, you know, little bugs.
You know what cockroaches are?
Little things that crawl in the night.
Listen, I don't mean to alarm you,
but if you don't laugh, you'll get cancer.
Sorry. That was probably in bad taste,
and I didn't really...
Excuse me. Fuck it.
Thank you very much.
What do you want?
Pizza sounds good.
You wanna eat?
Could you give me a break, all right?
We could split a special,
with anchovies, maybe.
Fuck anchovies. I died out there,
you're talking about fucking pizzas?
- No, I'm talking about eating pizzas.
- Oh, that's very funny. You're a howl.
You should have been out there.
The audience hated me.
- You had a bad night. That happens.
- Not to me, it doesn't.
What do you want? Insurance?
You're in the wrong business.
Performers aren't safe.
We're pie-in-the-face people.
Look, don't lecture me.
All right, Sir Laurence?
All anyone ever promised you was
seven classes a day and a hot lunch.
The rest is up to you.
Back in the Middle Ages, actors,
they didn't even want to bury us.
Well, they do now.
Not if you're good.
How do you know?
How do you know if you're good?
Maybe you never know.
You just hang in, I guess.
You know the weirdest thing...
...is Freddie.
When he made it, he realized
it was everything he hated.
Cadillac Eldorado.
Pocketful of Quaaludes.
Johnny Carson.
It was no special shit.
You're not Freddie, Ralph.
I know that. I know.
Know something else about Freddie?
Freddie didn't even want to be Freddie.
- No?
- No. He wanted to be Joe Namath.
You laughed.
- Guess I'm funny.
- Let's get out of here.
5'7"?
Okay, you're finished.
Stand over there.
Go on. Keep the line moving.
Come on.I worry maybe people aren't
gonna like me when I go to a party.
Isn't that crazy?
Do you ever get kind of a sick feeling in
your stomach when you dread things?
I wouldn't wanna miss a party,
but every time I go to one...
...I keep feeling like
the whole world's against me.
See, I've spent my whole life
in military academies.
My mother doesn't have a place for me
where she lives...
...and she doesn't know
what else to do with me.
You mustn't misunderstand about
my mother. She's really a lovely person.
I guess every boy thinks his mother
is beautiful, but my mother really is.
She tells me in every letter how sorry
she is that we're not together more...
...but she has to think of her work.
One time we were together, though.
She met me in San Francisco once...
...and we were together for two whole
days, just like we were sweethearts.
It was the most wonderful time
I ever had.
Then I had to go back
to the military academy.
Every time I walk into that barracks,
I get a kind of...
A kind of a...
I'm sorry.
Kind of a depressed feeling.
It's got hard, stone walls.
You know what I mean?
I guess I've bored you enough,
telling you about myself.
Thank you.
Sorry about that. I goofed up the last
couple of lines. I guess I'm nervous.
That's okay. You did very well.
I'm sorry.
Thank you. You play very well.
Now Mrs. Tossoff's gonna play notes
for you. Sing them back to us. Like so:
La,