thinks you're a dork.
- Mike thinks I'm a dork.
- Mike is a dork.
[Sighs]
But so am I.
Well, if it's any consolation,
I love you.
And if this guy can't see in you
all the beautiful and wonderful
things that I see,
then he's got the problem.
I know. It just hurts.
That's why they call them crushes.
If they were easy,
they'd call 'em something else.
[Sighs]
But if I were Ginny,
I'd have this guy
crawling on his knees.
Well, let me tell you something
about Ginny.
Now, I love her
as much as I love you.
But she's a different person.
Sometimes I worry about her.
When you're given things
kind of easily,
you don't always
appreciate them.
With you, I'm not worried.
When it happens to you,
Samantha, it'll be forever.
Well, I don't think
I'll be able to sleep if I don't feel
this little talk has helped you.
So would you be a sport
and lie to me?
[Chuckles]
Yeah, sure, Daddy.
[Kiss]
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night.
Oh, one more thing,
sweetheart.
What?
When you do find the right guy,
don't let him boss you around.
Make sure he knows
you wear the pants
in the family.
These are really hers?
Yeah.
How did you get 'em?
She gave 'em to me.
Did you...
No! No, Jake.
She's crying for you.
I told her you asked
about her. Right?
The girl freaked.
She had a hissy. She thinks
you're the cat's meow.
Really?
Yeah.
She came up to me
in the gym tonight.
She looked at me
like I was a leper.
Girls'll do that, Jake.
You see, they know guys are,
like, in perpetual heat, right?
They know this shit.
And they enjoy pumping us up.
It's pure power politics,
I'm tellin' you.
I thought she hated
my guts.
Games, Jake.
Silly, torturous games.
You know how many times a week
I go without lunch because some
bitch borrows my lunch money?
Any halfway decent girl
can rob me blind!
Because I'm too torqued up
to say no.
It's heinous,
I'm telling you.
You better not be
dickin' me around.
It'd be a major downer
to try and get together...
and find out she really does
think I'm a slime.
Jake, would I dick you?
Let me put it to you this way.
What happens to me
if I dick you?
[Chuckles]
I'd kick your ass.
Right. So why would I lie?
But I feel compelled
to mention, Jake,
if all you want is a piece
of ass, I mean,
I'll either do it myself,
or get someone bigger than me,
to kick your ass.
I mean, not many girls in contemporary
American society today...
would give their underwear
to help a geek like me.
I can get a piece of ass
anytime I want.
Shit, I got Caroline
in my bedroom right now,
passed out cold.
I could violate her
ten different ways
if I wanted to.
What are you
waiting for?
I don't know.
She's beautiful,
and she's built
and all that.
[Sighs]
I'm just not
interested anymore.
Does that really matter, guy?
Yeah, it matters.
She's totally insensitive.
Look what she did
to my house.
She doesn't know shit
about love.
Only thing she cares
about is partying.
I want a serious girlfriend.
Somebody I can love,
that's gonna love me back.
Is that psycho?
[Spits]
That's beautiful, Jake.
I think a ton of guys
feel the same way as you do.
Really?
Yeah. It's just they don't...
They don't have the balls
to admit it.
You know? They're just...
They're wimps.
Samantha's, uh...
She's really special,
you know?
I'll make a deal with you.
Let me keep these. I'll
let you take Caroline home.
But you gotta make sure she
gets home. You can't leave her
in some parking lot somewhere.
Okay?
Jake, I'm only a freshman.
So? She's so blitzed, she
won't know the difference.
Jake, I don't have a car.
You can take mine.
Jake, I don't have a license.
I trust you.
Jake, I'd love to.
I can't. Want a pretzel?
You sure?
Positive.
[Grunts]
I got her.
You got her?
Yeah.
Is this, uh, your car,
Jake?
No, this is my dad's car.
You said you couldn't
drive a stick.
This is a mother...
This is a Rolls-Royce,
Jake.
So?
So! So.
I heard the