's gonna be...
...having everybody in the house
at the same time.
They're family,
not strangers off the street.
All they do is argue.
Christmas is about resolving differences...
...and seeing through
the petty problems of family life.
And it's about my mother accusing
your mother of buying cheap hot dogs.
And your mother accusing my mother
of waxing her upper lip, and...
...then they don't speak to...
- Your mother waxes her upper lip?
She has for years.
It doesn't show.
I don't know, Sparky,
I just have this feeling it's not...
I want to have Christmas here,
in our house.
It means a lot to me.
All my life I've wanted to have
a big family Christmas.
It's just that you build things up
in your mind, Sparky.
You set standards no family event
can ever live up to.
When have I ever done that?
Parties.
Weddings.
- Good night, honey.
- Anniversaries.
Funerals.
Holidays.
Vacations.
Graduations.
Guess you'll be lookin' at
a nice fat Christmas bonus this year, huh?
Word is you're an excellent choice
to be named...
...Food Additive Designer of the Year.
- Nah...
- I'm not kidding.
What's that new thing you got
over there at Food 'N' Dry?
The crunch enhancer?
That's a non-nutritive cereal varnish.
It's semi-permeable. It's not osmotic.
What it does is,
it coats and seals the flake.
It prevents the milk from penetrating it.
Yeah, it's a beautiful product.
I like it.
What are you gonna do
with that big bonus check?
You're gonna blow it on yourself, I hope.
Me? Heck, no.
Take a look at this.
I just hope my Christmas bonus check
will cover it.
Oh, my God. You're putting in a pool.
I went ahead and I put
a $7,500 deposit down on it.
You're the last true family man.
Mark.
Clark.
That's Bill, sir.
Are you the one who's working
on that non-nutritive cereal varnish?
Yes, sir.
I've got to give a speech to a trade group.
I'd like to mention it.
Write up a brief summary
and have it to me by the end of the day.
My pleasure.
Layman's terms. None of that inside,
bullshit jargon that nobody understands.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Mr. Shirley...
We got your Christmas card
the other day, and...
...my family and I are very flattered
that you remembered us.
Corporate cards.
Don't forget that report, Bill.
Yes, sir. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass.
Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass.
Happy Hanukkah.
Can I show you something?
I was just smelling... smiling.
I was blouse... browsing.
For your wife or girlfriend?
What? What happened?
I guess it wouldn't be any...
It wouldn't be
the Christmas shopping season...
...if the stores were any less hooter
than they... Hotter than they are.
It is warm in here.
- When you have your coat on.
- Do I?
- How did that happen?
- Because it's cold out.
Yes. Yes.
It is. It's a bit nipply out.
I mean, nippy out.
What am I saying? Nipple?
There is a nip in the air, though.
Can I take something out for you?
I was just, uh...
I was looking at something for my wife.
God rest her soul.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, no, she's not dead, yet.
We're just divorced.
She's history.
Obviously, she doesn't wear underwear...
...there are plenty of shopping days
left until adultery... adulthood.
Which is to say, Christmas,
as in Yule. Yule log.
Not a log. I don't have a log, but I mean,
you know...
...if I had a log. Not in the sense
you think I said I did.
Good golly.
'Tis the season to be merry.
Well, that's my name.
No shit.
These are cut really high on the hip.
Look, I'm wearing something similar.
See? You can't see the line.
- You can't see the line, can you, Russ?
- No.
Look, Daddy, teacher says
every time a bell rings...
...an angel gets his wings.
Folks!
Merry Christmas.
Look how big you've gotten.
Merry Christmas.
Mom.
Knock on the door.
Doesn't Nora look old?
You promised, you promised...
They took a pint of fluid
out of my lower back.
You see this mole? This mole on my neck?
You think it's