ve said "fuck"
and we'd Have been in real trouble.
THank you, sir. I Had a premonition
I was gonna fuck up on my first day.
OH, piss it!
RigHt, I'll get my tHings
and tHen let's fix tHe country, sHall we?
YeaH, I can't see wHy not.
- It's all rigHt.
- Did you see wHat I did?
- Yes, I did.
- I just went "blurH".
- Hello tHere.
- I'm rigHt over Here.
YeaH, I'm in Here. OK. Good. THank you.
AH.
(Clears tHroat)
OH, no.
THat is so inconvenient.
In tHe presence of God,
Peter and Juliet Have given tHeir consent
and made tHeir marriage vows
to eacH otHer.
THey've declared tHeir marriage
by tHe giving of rings.
I tHerefore proclaim
tHat tHey are Husband and wife.
( Organ plays Wedding MarcH)
And you resisted
tHe temptation for surprises.
YeaH, I'm mature now.
( Wedding MarcH becomes
La Marseillaise)
(CHorus)  Love, love, love
Love, love, love
-  Love, love, love...
- Did you do tHis?
Er, no.
Love, love, love, love
THere's notHing you can do
tHat can't be done
OH, it...
THere's notHing you can sing
tHat can't be sung
THere's notHing you can say
but you can learn How to play tHe game
It's easy
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need...
Look, it's Pikey.
Hello! WHat tHe Hell are you doing Here?
OH, I just popped over
to borrow some old CDs.
- THe lady of tHe House let you in, did sHe?
- YeaH.
- Lovely, obliging girl.
- YeaH.
I tHougHt I'd pop back and see
if sHe's better. THis is good.
- OH.
- Listen, erm, I've been tHinking.
I tHink we ougHt to take Mum out for
Her birtHday on Friday. WHat do you tHink?
- I just feel we've been bad sons tHis year.
- Sounds fine. A bit boring but fine.
(Girlfriend) Hurry up, big boy!
I'm naked and I want you at least twice
before Jamie gets Home.
(Music and cHatter)
(Juliet) I am so Happy to see you!
- Delicious delicacy?
- Er, no, tHanks.
Taste explosion?
- Food?
- No, tHanks.
YeaH, a bit dodgy, isn't it?
Looks like a dead baby's finger. OooH.
OH. Tastes like it, too.
I'm Colin, by tHe way.
- I'm Nancy.
- Wicked.
- WHat do you do, Nancy?
- I'm a cook.
- Ever do weddings?
- Yes, I do.
- THey sHould've asked you to do tHis one.
- THey did.
- God, I wisH you Hadn't Have turned it down.
- I didn't.
(Embarrassed giggle) RigHt.
- I've worked out wHy I can't find true love.
- WHy is tHat?
EnglisH girls. THey're stuck up, you see.
And I am primarily attractive to girls
wHo are cooler, game for a laugH.
Like American girls.
So I sHould just go to America!
I'd get a girlfriend tHere instantly.
WHat do you tHink?
I tHink it's crap, Colin.
THat's wHere you're wrong.
American girls would dig me
witH my cute BritisH accent.
- You don't Have a cute BritisH accent.
- Yes, I do! I'm going to America.
Colin, you're a lonely, ugly arseHole.
Accept it.
Never. I am Colin, God of Sex.
I'm just on tHe wrong continent, tHat's all.
Bit of quiet
wHile we finisH tHe ligHting, guys!
- THe traffic today was just...
- Unbelievable.
Judy, could you take tHe top off tHis time?
LigHting need to know wHen we're gonna
see tHe, erm, nipples and wHen we're not.
Yes, OK. RigHt.
At least it's nice and warm in Here.
Not always tHe case, is it?
I was standing in for Brad Pitt once
on Seven Years In Tibet...
- Yes, yeaH.
- Bloody freezing...
Guys, time's tigHt
and we Have to get tHe actors in.
- Fine.
- I promise I won't look.
(Judy laugHs)
(Director) RigHt, let's Have
anotHer look at tHat, please.
Can you just put your Hands on Her breasts?
- OK, yeaH. Is tHat all rigHt?
- Yes.
I'll warm tHem up!
- And massage tHem, please.
- RigHt.
It's junction 13 tHat's just murder, isn't it?
Total gridlock tHis morning.
Jo and I Had a lot of time
to prepare for tHis moment.
Some of Her requests,
for instance, tHat I sHould bring
Claudia ScHiffer as my date to tHe funeral,
I was confident sHe expected me to ignore.
But otHers sHe was pretty damn clear about.
WHen