Listen to me.
You do not audition for a man
of Korzenowski's reputation...
without a prepared classical monologue.
That means Shaw, Ibsen, Shakespeare.
I'm doing Ophelia's mad scene. I'm
not waltzing in off the street...
saying, "Gee, I think
I wanna be an actress."
You know what I bet?
I bet you haven't been
laid in about a year.
- Ames, Lauren.
- Ah, ah.
Yes, I'm coming. I'm...
I'm... I will be co...
I'm... I'm... I'm ready. I'm... I'm...
- I'm ready.
- Quickly, Miss Ames.
I have a good mad scene.
It's really great. I just saw it.
Hmm.
I will not only wish you to
absorb everything that I say.
I will also wish you to keep
notes of everything that I say.
And I will wish to look at those notes.
Now if you say this
is like high school...
I do not apologize.
I am an old egotist...
and I want to know that
you record my ideas.
If you do not, you're
gone from the class.
All right. We begin.
We begin with vowel groups.
Vowel groups.
Mr Weldon...
do you know the difference
between a Texas diphthong...
and a Georgia diphthong?
Sorry I'm late.
They made me fill out all these
dumb-ass financial aid forms.
You want 'em?
You want 'em?
I cannot believe... I absolutely
cannot believe he let her in!
And on scholarship!
I just bet I know what
she did as an audition.
The woman has no
training, no experience.
I mean, correct me if I'm wrong.
I really thought if you
worked at your craft, maybe...
just possibly, you'd get to
work with one of the greats.
It's $2.95, not $295.
I knew that.
Something's seriously
wrong with my life.
Excuse me.
- Are you all right?
- Better.
L-I w... I was just, um...
- Who cares? May I help you?
- Yeah.
- Have you got something in a pumpkin?
- The shade pumpkin?
- No, a pumpkin costume.
- Oh.
God, I sound like an idiot.
The reason is that I
teach grammar school.
- You're a
schoolteacher? - Uh-huh.
- You're not an actor?
- Oh, God, no. I'd be awful.
Why do you ask?
Oh, well, there's just so many
actors who come in here. Please go on.
Well, we're putting
on a little pageant...
and there's a kid in my
class who's very insecure.
You know, the other kids pick on
him and his mother doesn't sew...
and I think it would
give him such a boost...
to have the best darn
costume in the place.
So I thought a professional costumers
would have an incredible pumpkin.
But I can't go more than $50...
because this is coming
out of my own pocket.
I'm really sorry. I don't
think we have a pumpkin.
What about a squash?
We don't have any vegetables as such.
I'm sorry.
Well, this is the
last place on the list.
But I'll just throw something
together myself, huh?
I really appreciate your time. Thanks.
Um, uh, listen. I don't know,
maybe, uh, maybe someone...
Maybe I could, uh... I've
made a lot of my own costumes.
I'm sure it wouldn't be that
difficult. If I could help out, I'd...
like to.
That would be fabulous.
- I hope you'll forgive me, Lauren.
- For what?
L... I don't usually
lunge at women like that.
- Oh.
- But you just, uh...
I just had to kiss you.
L-I really am sorry and I hope
that you'll want to see me again.
Oh, where in the world
did you come from?
- New Mexico, originally.
- No, no, I mean...
how can a man so delightful as you...
be just wandering the
streets of New York?
Single, single, yeah.
I can't believe it.
Well, that's not by choice.
I'd like to be married.
- This isn't happening.
- Why not?
Well, there must be something wrong
with you. Don't you have any faults?
I smoke.
You smoke? That's it? Call the police!
No, no, no. It's an addiction.
Colton's tobacco. New Mexico's finest.
I hope you don't mind.
Well, I'll struggle through somehow.
Good. Very good.
Because, uh, I'd like
to see you again...
tomorrow night.
Well, yes.
Mmm, thank you.
What's this?
"Ooh, eee, ooh, ah, ooh, eee, ah, ooh."
- That's what you do in acting class?
- Those are vowel groups.
Mmm, sorry. "Wowel"