I've got a gun in your ribs.
I'm not Luca and those aren't my ribs.
Eat lead, copper!
-Mary, you all right?
-Yes.
So am I.
-How about now?
-Now?
Not so good.
We're about to start the 12th round.
And remember, Buddy Briggs
has never gone the distance.
At this point,
I'd say it could go either way.
Both men are strong, but tired.
And one punch could end it
at any moment.
One, two,
-three...
-Mary, Mary.
Every big fight you've ever been in,
you've taken a dive.
I'll get you a fight with the Champ
and then maybe you'll be a winner.
A winner.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
Auntie Em!
And Toto, too! And Toto, too!
-You'll always be a bum!
-Buddy!
...six, seven,
eight, nine...
-How many fingers do you see?
-Thursday.
-The winner!
-Yeah, Mary!
Yeah, Mary!
Mary! Yeah!
How do you feel
about the victory, Champ?
Great! It's not only
a victory for me, but for all of boxing.
'Cause I'd like to tell you
about some cheap crooks
who are trying to ruin the game.
Montague Martin!
-Kelly!
-The name is Detective Frank Drebin
and I'm a boxing fan.
-What the...
-All right, Martin,
you've fixed your last fight.
From now on, the boxers
in this town will lose honestly.
Buddy! Buddy!
-Buddy! Buddy!
-Mary!
-Hi, Ed.
-Hi, Frank.
-Excuse me.
-Yep.
Drebin here. Get me Pete Preussing.
Tell him I'd like the final report
on Martin and Sally Decker.
Right.
Looks like we got a new champ, huh?
Well,
looks like I can get back to reading
the sport pages now.
Speaking of sports pages, I see they're
bringing your friend Martin in now.
You think you're a big man, Drebin,
but I'm telling you,
I'm gonna beat this rap.
Don't count on that, Martin.
Looks like you and your cohorts'll
be doing your boxing
up at the Statesville Prison from now
on.
Be sure to tune in next week
for another exciting story
from the files of Police Squad!Police Squad! In colour.
Starring Leslie Nielsen.
Also starring Alan North.
And Rex Hamilton as Abraham Lincoln.
Tonight's special guest star,
William Conrad.
Tonight's episode,
Dead Men Don't Laugh.
And all the rabbits
just kept hopping along.
Well, things are really
rough all over, though.
Last week I took my family
to Disneyland. We get off the freeway.
Sign said
"Disneyland left," so we went home.
Well, on behalf of the management,
and I'd like to be
half of the management,
please drink up,
enjoy yourselves and I'll see you later.
That's a very good show, Joey.
-Boss wants to see you.
-Oh, yeah.
Vic tells me that
some of the money I gave you
to pay the Frenchman was missing.
The Frenchman was very upset.
Let me take your coat.
And when he's upset,
I'm upset.
Look, I don't care what they say.
I didn't steal a thing.
So, what do I tell the Frenchman?
Just tell him
I'll take care of everything.
Veronica, I'd never double-cross you.
I swear on my life.
Listen, Joey, that's good enough for me.
Come on, let's have a drink
and forget about it.
We make a great team, don't we?
Let's toast to it.
Here's to your health.
That old black magic
Has me in its spell
That old black magic
That you weave so well
Those icy fingers up...
Just tell the Frenchman
I'll take care of everything.
Put up your hands!
My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin,
Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad.
I was driving home Mary, the boss' wife
when I received an urgent call
to report to the city morgue.
I raced over.
What had originally appeared to be
a routine drunk driving fatality
was now developing into
a somewhat more involved situation.
Even though the reported crash
had been a sizable one,
various elements
of the victim's bloodstream
had led the police coroner
to suspect something more.
And we didn't need this kind of tsuris.
A battery of pathologists
and reconstruction experts
were assigned to the case.
Crime can be a terrifying threat
to members of a community.
And we had no intention of letting this
or