I don't live here.
This many people here and no shampoo.
- Are your folks home?
- They don't live here.
- Tracy, did you order the pizza?
- Buzz did.
Excuse me. Are your parents here?
My parents live in Paris.
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Are your parents home?
- Yeah.
- Do they live here?
- No.
Why should they?
All kids, no parents.
Probably a fancy orphanage.
I don't know how to pack a suitcase.
I've never done it once.
- Tough.
- That's what Megan said.
What did I say?
You told him "Tough."
The dope was whining about a suitcase.
What was I supposed to say?
"Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
- I'm not an idiot!
- Really?
You're helpless! We have to do
everything for you.
- She's right, Kev.
- Excuse me, puke-breath. I'm small.
I don't know how to pack.
- I hope you didn't just pack crap.
- Shut up, Linnie.
You know what I should pack?
Buzz told you, cheek-face.
Toilet paper and water.
What are you so worried about?
You know Mom's gonna
pack your stuff, anyway.
You're what the French call
les incompetents.
What?
Bombs away!
P.S. You have to sleep
on the hide-a-bed with Fuller.
If he has something to drink,
he'll wet the bed.
This house is so full of people
it makes me sick!
When I grow up and get married,
I'm living alone!
Did you hear me?
I'm living alone!
I'm living alone!
Who's gonna feed your spider?
He just ate a load of mice guts.
He'll be good for a couple weeks.
Is it true French babes
don't shave their pits?
Some don't.
But they got nude beaches.
Not in the winter.
Don't you know how to knock,
phlegm-wad?
Can I sleep here?
I don't want to sleep with Fuller.
If he drinks, he'll wet the bed.
I wouldn't let you sleep in my room
if you were growing on my ass.
Check it out.
Old man Marley.
Who's he?
You ever heard of the South Bend
Shovel Slayer?
That's him.
In '58 he murdered his whole family
and half the people on his block...
...with a snow shovel.
Been hiding out
in this neighborhood ever since.
If he's the shovel slayer,
how come the cops don't arrest him?
Not enough evidence to convict.
They never found the bodies.
Everyone around here knows he did it.
It'll just be a matter of time...
...before he does it again.
What's he doing?
He walks up and down the streets
every night...
...salting the sidewalks.
Maybe he's just trying to be nice.
No way.
See that garbage can full of salt?
That's where he keeps his victims.
The salt turns the bodies
into mummies.
Mummies!
Look out!
How you kids doing?
Good?
Lot of action around here today, huh?
Going on vacation?
Where you going?
You hear me, or what?
Going on a trip?
Where you going, kid?
Okay, that's $122.50.
Not from me, kid. I don't live here.
You just around for the holidays?
You could say that.
- Pizza's here!
- There you go.
That's $122.50.
It's my brother's house.
He'll get it.
Hey, listen...
- Are you Mr. McCallister?
- Yeah.
The Mr. McCallister who lives here?
Good, because somebody owes me $122.50.
I'd like a word with you.
Am I under arrest or something?
There's always a lot of burglaries
around the holidays.
We're checking the neighborhood to see
if the proper precautions are taken.
We have automatic timers for our
lights, locks for our doors.
That's about as well
as anybody can do.
- Did you get some eggnog?
- Come on.
- Let's eat.
- Come on.
- Eggnog?
- Pizza!
- Are you gonna be leaving...?
- Pizza!
Grab a napkin
and pour your own drinks.
- Does Santa go through customs?
- What time do we have to go to bed?
Early. We're leaving at 8 a.m.
On the button.
I hope you're all drinking milk.
I want to get rid of it.
- Pizza boy needs $122.50, plus tip.
- For pizza?
Ten pizzas times 12 bucks.
- You've got money.
- Traveler's checks.
Forget it, Frank. We have cash.
You probably got the checks
that don't work in France.
Did anyone order me a plain cheese?
Yeah. But if you want any...
...somebody's gonna have to barf it up