going right in the toilet!
We were gonna do it anyway.
We're starting our future now.
-What future?
-We married young.
Yeah, because we were kids!
We could raise the baby
until they finish school.
-Are you nuts?
-We wanna raise our baby.
We'll get an apartment by ourselves
and fix it up nice.
And Stan won't go to Caltech!
He'll spend his life stuffing fat feet
into little shoes!
-It's not gonna be like that, Dad!
-You'll blow the chance of a lifetime!
-Darcy Elliot, this is an act of defiance!
-You don't understand!
-We love each other!
-Young lady...
...learn to keep your mouth shut
and your legs crossed!
You bastard! Don't you ever
talk to her like that again!
-You get out! You get out of my house!
-I left! You didn't throw me out! I left!
Don't come back here looking
for a handout!
Darcy, I should have forbid you
to see him.
-Mother.
-It was a mistake.
-What about Paris?
-Mother, shut up!
Darcy, you come back here!
You are grounded!
Hey, wait up!
-Where are you going?
-With you!
Go back in before
you get in more trouble.
I can't. I just told
my mother to shut up.
-You told you mother to shut up?
-I did. I swear.
Get in the car.
I wish I had a Polaroid of her face.
All right, with cash,
both savings accounts....
My sweet-16 card from Aunt Reneй.
-My Christmas club.
-Six gift certificates to McDonald's.
We got...
...$927 and six Big Macs.
Nine hundred and
twenty-seven dollars?
We're practically rich!
-What more can we possibly need?
-More money.
More money.
No pets, no loud music.
Any parties after 10, you're out.
Rent's due first of the month.
I don't get it, you're out.
No drinking, no drugs.
I catch you with drugs, you're out.
-Any questions?
-Yeah. What's that?
A Jacuzzi.
So, what do you think?
It's different.
-It's big.
-Big.
All it needs is a little paint...
-...a little imagination--
-And a bed.
Just grab from the bottom.
It's heavy. You said this would take
five minutes. It's been half an hour.
-What do I gotta do next?
-There is something.
-I want you to be my kid's godfather.
-Godfather?
You just want me
to change the dirty diapers.
Don't worry. As soon as that little
sucker pops out, we housebreak him.
Oh, great timing.
Oh, no. Off the truck with the bed.
-What are you talking about?
-Hi.
Hi, Chris. How you doing?
-All right, let's go. Let's go.
-It's my bed.
Oh, yeah, it's your bed.
Is it your bed?
Did you pay for it? You wet this bed.
I wet on the bed that Lou got,
not on this.
Go ask Darcy's mother for a bed.
Ask her in French.
You want the bed? Take the bed.
I'll buy my own bed
with my own money.
-I'm a bastard, right?
-I love you, Dad. You're beautiful.
You're great, though.
I'm a bastard who's got
his own house.
When the hell did they stop putting
handles on these son of a bitches?!
Happy New Year.
Oh, no. Put me down. Put me down.
Let me go back and get him.
Happy New Year, man.
I'm covered.
Hey, happy New Year anyway.
What's wrong? What's the matter?
Nothing. Nothing.
It's just that
I've never seen you naked.
-Naked.
-Well, you know, I mean, we did it...
...but I never actually looked at it.
-Come on, we did it six times.
-Five times.
The car, the car, the garage,
the tent, the basement....
-Does that count?
-Of course.
Okay. Well, still,
that's only five times.
The rain?
Oh, yeah.
Still...
...I never actually checked it out.
-Oh, well, you don't have to look.
-No, I want to.
Well?
-It's cute.
-It's cute?
Smurfs are cute.
-Okay, well, what?
-I don't know. Not cute.
Magnificent, maybe. Awesome.
I know it's overused, but on this
occasion, "awesome" wouldn't be bad.
-I'd settle for "big."
-Okay, okay, let me see it again.
Come on, come on.
Oh, my God. My God,
it's huge. It's monstrous.
It's a giant boa constrictor.
Get it away.
Put it away before it kills somebody.
Want to get married?
We don't have to.
I know. I want to.
Don't you?
What's the matter?