I shall now attempt to drive
the steel nail through the glass...
without breaking the glass.
"Impossible,"I can hear you say.
We shall see.
He ain't very good,
even if he is a professor.
And it really doesn't matter
what I say, what I say
As long as I say it
with a flair
First I rattle off
a ready stock
Of gibberish
and poppycock
And fix you with my best
hypnotic stare
With my moans and groans
and soporific tones
They have cheered me
everyone
For it really doesn't matter
what I say, what I say
I sell it when I tell it
with a "seemus alabeem"
The magicians' nursery rhyme
Abra... cadabra!
You succumb- ooh- to it
every time
Wave a stick
And each trick
Will mystify and disarm
In fact, to coin
a fitting phrase
It works
Ooh!
Like a charm
So it really doesn't matter
what I brew, what I brew
As long as I brew it
with a flair
Though I've never
cast a magic spell
I make the motions
very well
My showmanship
is far beyond compare
I'm a rogue, a rake
a mountebank of fake
But I do
whate'er I dare
What a waste of fresh eggs.
They ain't fresh. Smell.
For it really
doesn't matter
What I do, what I do
You buy my charms and poxes
'cause they come in fancy boxes
To improve your ugly daughter
I've a vial of colored water
And my magic incantations
can be framed as decorations
Though there's really nothing to it
and, of course, you all see through it
You love me 'cause I do it
With a flair
Now, friends, I tell you
what I'm going to do.
I'm going to offer you my entire stock
of magic- No, ladies, please don't go.
The prices are so low,
you will never cease to marvel at them.
Don't leave now and regret
lost opportunities later.
You, young sir, would you care
to warble like the storied nightingale?
With this inexpensive device,
you can charm the very birds
down from the trees, like so-
- How much?
- For you, sir, one penny.
One copper coin of the realm.
Carrie, I'm very surprised at you
wandering off like this.
- We found him for you, miss.
We found Professor Browne.
- Don't work. I've been cheated.
- Is that Professor Browne?
It is, indeed, my dear.
How may I serve you?
Would you be interested in the mating
call of the Brazilian Matouacan bird,
known as the bird of love?
Very useful, eh?
You are the headmaster of
the Emelius Browne Correspondence
College of Witchcraft?
The late headmaster.
The college, alas, is now defunct.
Professor Browne,
I am one of your pupils.
My dear lady, you are, indeed,
an ornament to the college.
- Splendid.
- Not at all.
I was shocked and dismayed...
when you closed down the college
without that most important last lesson.
I'm sorry, my dear. No refunds.
Look at your contract.
But I must have the spell
that comes with the last lesson.
The matter is closed.
I bid you good day.
I have an appointment
at my club for squash rackets.
The matter is not closed.
Don't let him get away.
Righto!
- I got him!
- Leave go of me. Would you mind-
- Would you mind letting go of my leg.
- Flush him out!
Will you get this child off my leg?
Would you get this child-
Filigree, Apogee,
Pedigree, Perigee!
Cor!
Now I trust you'll behave
more like a gentleman.
Look out!
Well, there goes
another rabbit.
- What was that all about?
- I changed you into a rabbit
with one of your own spells.
My spell?
From my school?
Not one of your best spells,
in point of fact.
It doesn't last very long.
Some of your others are much better.
But I don't understand.
My spell?
They were just nonsense words
that I got out of an old book!
Well, they work
perfectly well for me.
They work for you?
Good woman, some kind of destiny
has brought us together.
You got the words for these spells
out of some old book, you say?
Well, more or less.
I changed them around a bit.
I gave them a bit
of my own style, as it were.
The old sorcerers did have
a bit of a tendency to waffle on.
But, dear lady, I never thought
I'd meet