lobster since our anniversary.
- Oh, my God. A jumping lobster!
- Save that one.
- That'll be for me.
- I'll make sure of that.
The gourmet here wanted hot dogs.
You know what they're made of?
Lips and assholes.
I'm old-fashioned. I like assholes.
Ha! And I like lips!
If I could market lips like those,
I'd make another million!
Lobster turned out all right,
if I do say so myself.
We should go into town
and pick up a ski boat.
What do you say? Sound good, guys?
Uncle Roman will blow some coin
on a kick-ass drag boat.
We're renting a pontoon boat.
Pontoon boat. What are you going to do
with a pontoon boat?
Retake Omaha Beach?
Not at all. A pontoon boat,
you go out and cruise the lake.
You swim from them, fish from them,
even bring the barbecue out.
You have a great time.
You tour the lake in comfort.
You guys want to cruise in comfort
or would you rather skim the waves
in a jet boat?
Jet boat!
- Sorry, Dad.
- Attaboy, Benny!
All right, that's my man.
Care to put it to a vote?
We don't need a vote.
You want a jet boat, get a jet boat.
- Buck and I are getting a pontoon boat.
- Sorry, Dad.
Directly from the mouths of babes!
Are you going to argue
or enjoy yourselves?
I'm enjoying, Chet's arguing!
How about if the kids catch fireflies?
We can play cards.
Cara, Mara. You little dolls want
to go outside and catch fireflies?
Honey, they don't like bugs.
What? All kids like bugs. They're cute.
Especially fireflies.
Their butts light up.
I am a killer Monopoly player.
Roman taught me. He's vicious.
- Buddy Riecher died.
- Oh, no.
President of Energy Resources.
- Honey.
- Died in bed.
- He was your mentor, wasn't he?
- A man I admired.
- I'm trying to read here!
- Sorry. Sorry.
I think I have to, er, tell you this story.
A story that might save your lives
up here in the woods.
I know the Heimlich maneuver.
No. This is a...
a bear story.
A true bear story.
Connie and I honeymooned
at this very lake.
Big spender!
- We stayed at my uncle's cabin.
- Uncle George?
Yeah. That's right.
One night
we were getting ready for bed
and we heard this terrible noise
out by the trash cans.
You remember? And, er...
I went downstairs to check it out,
looked out the window...
and there...
was the biggest,
baddest bear in the north woods.
- Sure, Dad.
- No, it's true. It's true.
This bear was over eight feet high.
With big, white teeth.
Fangs...
stained pink...
from whatever it killed
before it got to our cabin.
It was frightening.
Frightening.
- The paws on this thing were immense.
- Urgh.
With big, black claws.
Razor sharp...
like Freddy Krueger.
Only worse, worse.
This wasn't a movie.
This was happening right in front of me.
And all that separated me
from that bear...
was a pane of glass.
Honey, maybe we shouldn't
tell this story...
- It's fine.
- I'm thinking about nightmares.
No, no. They have to hear this.
Like I say,
it might save their life one day.
Now, I saw that bear. It saw me.
And it was hungry.
Hungry for blood!
Human blood.
You see, once a bear gets a taste
for blood...
it craves it.
It needs it.
It will do anything it can to get it.
That bear had become...
a man-eater!
Our eyes locked. My heart was pumping.
Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump.
I ran into the living room,
grabbed the shotgun off the mantle,
turned around, and there was that bear
right in the window.
Its breath was fogging up the glass.
And suddenly,
it let out this god-awful roar.
It started smashing the walls.
Pots and pans started rattling,
the walls shimmering
and the floorboards lifting.
I knew then that it was either the bear
or your mom and I.
So I raised the rifle,
I took aim and I fired.
- You wasted her?
- No, Benny.
- A shotgun's not going to kill that.
- What happened?
The buckshot shaved the hair
clean off the top of its head.
It ran off. We never saw it again.
I hear from my uncle now and then...
and he'd tell us about
the