macaroni
and I just repeated it. It's not
Earth, not Africa, my friend.
It's the planet Pluke, 215
in the Tenture. The Kin Dza Dza
galaxy in the Spiral. Got it?
Congrats... here we are.
Put the bell on, my friend...
Put it on.
Good boy, well done.
Excuse me,
where have we landed?
Sh! She has very sharp ears.
Do you know the tenture
of your planet?
Tenture?
Well, tell us your galaxy number
in the Spiral.
In... what?
In the spiral?
Yes, in the Spiral...
in the Spiral...
Er... The Earth is... er...
It orbits with such planets as er...
Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter...
What else, Vladimir Nikolaevich?
Ursa Major.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, come here.
Do you have more matches
on your planet?
Well, I'll try an' get some.
How many will you give us
if we PUT you back there?
How many do you want?
Two boxes like that!!
Seven!
Yes! Seven!
And this box...
Give it to me now!
I'll buy a gravitsapa.
Excuse me,
what is a gravitsapa?
Without a gravitsapa a pepelats
can only fly like this,
but with it you can reach
any point in the universe -
in 5 seconds.
Hey, you've taken a pepelats out
of the garage without a gravitsapa?!
It's no good!
We had a gravitsapa. But when
we came here, it got pinched.
Aha.
Excuse me, do you have
a space transfer machine?
No.
No, we have none.
Give me the matches.
Give us some water.
Like this! You must do this!
You must do this!
Do this...
This is yours,
this is how you smoke now.
Thank you.
- Koo! Koo!
- He said they have a gravitsapa.
Put your matches here.
I have a proposition.
When you PUT us on the Earth,
you'll get this and this.
That's all.
- What??
Come on, Fiddler,
to the outer space.
Wait! Come back.
Give it to me!
On Mother Earth you'll get them.
Vladimir Nikolaevich! You said
if we take you, you'd give us
all of it!
But then you stole this match from us!
Patsak won't cheat on Patsak.
It's not nice, my friend...
I said - take us to the city!
And what's this?
A barn!
And this? And this?
What's this here - not a city?!
Stop pissin' about!
Let's see that gravitsapa.
If it's major brand, we'll take it.
What bonehead would take smuggled
ketse in front of witnesses?! You'll get
life-long ecikh with nails for it!
Stupid Patsak!
Wha'd'you have in your head,
brain or kyoo?
We'll buy it ourselves.
Let's go, Fiddler.
Stop! Stop I said!
Who are you?
I asked who are you?!
An alien foreman.
No. You're Patsak!
And who are you?
I'm Georgian.
No, You're Patsak, too!
You're Patsak, you're Patsak
and he's also Patsak!
But I'm Chatlanian!
And they are Chatlanian too!
So you put your tsak on
and sit in pepelats, got it?
What?
Watch, my friend... When I point
this visator at myself, which signal
registers? Green.
Now at him, watch - green, too.
And at you... Green.
Now look at Wef - which colour?
Orange?
Because he is Chatlanian!
Well, do you understand?
So what?
Pluke is a Chatlanian planet.
Therefore we Patsaks must
wear tsak...
Yes! And in front of us Chatlanians
you must do like this!
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
it's an unbridled racism.
Come again, please.
Like this!
A bit slower, could you?
Like this.
V.N., you have a wife at home,
a son struggling for a C average,
a cooperative flat you haven't paid for,
and now you're messing around.
You'll come to no good, my friend.
Alright, Fiddler,
let's play their games...
There we are, well done.
Now give a match to Wef,
he'll buy the gravitsapa.
He said he needed them all.
I was joking.
Very funny.
Koo. Wait.
We'll go together...
Don't show 'em your ketse,
and don't think about it.
Just show 'em mine.
And don't give 'em more
than half a match.
Gravitsapa costs half a match.
Your Patsak said a whole match.
He was joking, too.
Concrete mark 300?
Patsak!
Remember - half or less.
OK.
Excuse me...
Chatlanian and Patsak -
is it nationality?
No.
Biological factor?
No.
From different planets?
No.
So what distinguishes
one from