twerp.
Would you believe
I'm runnin' away from home?
Lloyd thinks I'm still on the roof
fixing the TV antenna.
Oh, work, work, work.
Fifty years of cookin', cleanin', washin'.
You know what I say?
I say, "Upchuck on all that."
Let me tell you about passengers.
You gotta treat 'em like people.
They look to the driver as their father.
Do good by them, they'll do good by you.
Sybil wants a seat in the rear,
I want one up front.
You didn't make that reservation.
- This is highly irregular.
- So is he.
- Prunes, bran flakes, nothing works.
- Sybil, stop it.
- You wanna talk about it, Claude?
- If we can talk about your father.
- And his dirty money.
- No...
Do you know who her father is?
Edward Collard.
- Please, Claude.
- The father of poison gas.
All right. All right. All right!
- I'm the daughter of poison gas! Happy?
- Euphoric!
- I hate you, Claude.
- I hate you, Sybil.
- Claude!
- Oh, God!
- Oh, God!
- Come here.
Sir, right here in the corner.
Back in the right-hand side,
next to her.
- It's gettin' about that time, kid.
- Yeah.
Let's get ready.
Before we get started,
there's something I gotta tell you.
- You know why they call me Shoulders?
- Sure.
You got those big shoulders.
- No, I drive on the shoulders all the time.
- What?
I got some wacky in my middle ear.
I can't keep off the shoulders.
Don't turn me in.
I gotta get my confidence back.
If I can just drive down...
You're kidding, Shoulders?
It's a joke, right? Hey!
Hey!
- What the hell's goin' on?
- It's OK.
- Every once in a while I black out.
- What?
Don't worry. I only black out
when we're movin'.
OK, Dan. Let's get moving.
Son of a bitch.
- Excuse me, Father, are you a priest?
- Who wants to know?
I wanted to say, last time
I was on a bus I freaked out.
You being here makes me feel better.
God gave me the seat next to you.
Think so? If it was God, why didn't
you get a fancy window seat like mine?
It's strange that I, Kudos, a doubter,
luxuriate in a window seat,
while you, ageing with age, get older yet
in that disgrace of an aisle seat.
Where is your God now, old woman?
Jesus, I'm sorry I asked.
Have a nice nap?
Good afternoon. My name is Kitty Baxter,
and I'm the designer of the bus.
Thank you. Thank you.
Cyclops is a nuclear-powered bus.
It's unlikely there'll be a radiation leak,
but we've taken safety precautions.
Mary Jane Beth Sue will demonstrate.
If there's a radiation leak, God forbid,
a protective device will drop
from the compartment above your head.
- Jesus!
- Oh, God.
The procedure is quite simple.
First put on the underwear,
which you'll find in the leg of the suit.
Unzip the suit, unsnap the rear panels,
hook up the boots,
and attach the life support system.
Then snap up the mask,
buckle the gloves, zip up the suit,
snap up the rear panels.
Presto, change-o.
- Any questions?
- Is somebody gonna help us?
How we gonna know we got it on right?
Simply look for these tell-tale signs:
Profuse bleeding of the gums,
hair falling out,
and intermittent blindness.
- Wouldn't stop my father's gas.
- Nothing would.
Cute, Claude.
I'm Tommy Joyce
and I'll play your choice
A slow tune, a show tune
A love song, a sad song
Never a wrong song
Because I'm Tommy Joyce
- Welcome to the Orient Lounge.
- What'll it be, sir?
It makes no difference.
I've only six months to live.
Six months to live
That's all they'll give him
Six months to live
Not much time to live
He may see summer
But he won't see fall
So forget about Christmas
Thank you.
Before I die, I promised myself I'm gonna
see the Seven Wonders of the World.
- Starting with the Rockies.
- They're not a Wonder.
They're not?
There're no winners
in a game of losers
- Yes, sir?
- Do it again, hmm?
- Yes, sir.
- Why did they throw me out?
Why did the veterinarians disbar me
and take away my dog and cat hospital?
Why?