spring break.
No graduation.
No college.
No coeds.
Comprende?
Pack your bags, Stifler.
- You're going to Band Camp.
- Band Camp!
Bullshit, trash.
All right, Steve! Valley Girls Gone Wild. 
Fuck.
Told you Steve'd get back to me.
I mean, it was just a postcard...
but it gave me a great idea.
Look...
Steve's shit-head friend, Jim...
he married
this freaking nympho band-geek, Michelle.
And he said
all they do at Band Camp is screw 24/7.
Matt, buddy, you cannot screw band chicks.
There are standards.
I'm not talking about screwing them,
scrotum-breath.
I'm talking about videotaping them.
People love to see dorks doing
that freaky shit on hidden video.
Bandeez Gone Wild. 
Steve's gonna have some competition now...
because little bro's
joining the family business.
Yeah, Spy Chest.
Secret Video.
Hell, yeah.
Color night vision? I'll take it. Shit.
How about tomorrow?
This is going be great.
Welcome to Tall Oaks 2005.
Let's hear it from Lloyd Memorial High. 
L- L-O-Y-D!
L- L-O-Y-D!
- Mount St. Marie. 
- Mount St. Marie!
Mount St. Marie!
East Great Falls High. 
East Great Falls!
East Great Falls!
And five-time defending
Tall Oaks Cup Champion... 
Beechwood Academy. 
We're Number One! We're Number One!
We're Number One!
Okay, settle down. 
Now, as you know, each year... 
one senior Tall Oaks composer is awarded... 
a full scholarship
to the prestigious Robards Conservatory. 
Elyse, this is your year to win.
This year, Dr. Susan Choi,
president of Robards... 
will judge the compositions herself. 
And let's not forget to welcome
the Tall Oaks Camp Counselors. 
If you visit our infirmary, Nurse Sanders
will take care of your every need. 
Okay, so let's work hard,
and may the best band win. 
You guys ready?
What the fuck?
Are you a rookie? You look lost.
Are you an asshole?
You're hairy, and you smell like shit.
I'll ignore that kind of talk once.
We don't speak that way here.
Rookies are to wear their beanies
at all times. Those are the rules.
And who made you
the mayor of Geek Town?
I'm Brandon Vandecamp,
senior drum major, Beechwood Academy...
and the president of the Tall Oaks Council.
Oh, and who are they, Mr. President?
The First Lady and Vice Pussy?
Suits you well.
Golly, jeepers, thanks. Hey, you know,
since I'm an official band geek and all...
can you guess
what my favorite piece of music is?
- I have no idea.
- The Nutcracker. 
Step back, bitch.
Holy mother of Mozart.
This is bad.
You didn't know Jackie Chan
was in the house, did you boys, huh?
Stop that. Stop that now.
Those knob-slobbers started it.
That's not true, sir.
We simply reminded him to wear his beanie.
And then he viciously assaulted
Brandon's genitals.
- That's a lie, you dick-snot.
- Oscar, Jimmy, escort this man to see...
- the Macro.
- The what?
- You're dead.
- Now, gentlemen.
God, Brandon, are you okay?
You want to tell me
what the hell you're doing here, Stifler?
It don't matter, Big O.
He ain't gonna be here long.
- Bitch!
- Get over here.
Macro gonna fuck your ass up, fool.
- What the fuck's a macro?
- The Macro.
Morale And Conflict Resolution Officer.
I heard this one time,
this kid went into that office...
a baritone and came out a soprano.
- Clarinet up the ass backwards, yo.
- What?
Pussies.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Frankenstein.  Scary stuff.
I am just a Boris Karloff nut.
- I'm the Macro, Mr. Levenstein.
- Holy shit, you're Jim's dad.
He screwed that redheaded nympho chick
at my lake house.
- Oh, my, you're not a Stifler?
- Yeah, I'm Steve's brother, Matt.
- There are two Stiflers?
- Yes, sir. Hey, what're you doing here?
Oh, well, Jim is now out of the house,
married to Michelle...
that redheaded nympho chick
that you spoke of.
And, being a former
Tall