ochmonek's
aren't here.
If you don't mind, i'm
a little busy right now.
Alf, wait.
It's willie.
Prove it.
What's your middle name ?
[ Whispers ]
francis.
Francis ?
Ha-Ha !
No wonder you
never told me.
Ha-Ha !
All right !
Sorry, willie,
i'm panicking.
Listen,
the swat team
is on its way.
Well, that calmed
me right down.
This is doug gould,
channel 6 news,
Reporting live from
169 hemdale avenue.
Doug gould !
That blow-Dried vulture ?
This seemingly calm
suburban street ...
Is about to run
red with blood.
[ Gasp ]
Wait, why am i worried ?
My blood is green.
An undetermined number of
hostages are being held ...
By a deranged gunman.
Who are you calling
"deranged" ?
You video tapeworm.
With me now is
officer izzy griswald,
The first policeman
on the scene.
[ Alf ]
hey, copper !
Where are the pizzas ?
What can you tell us
about the hostages ?
They're hungry.
Actually, we don't
know who they are,
But we believe
they're unharmed.
That's good news ...
except from a
ratings standpoint.
[ Laughs ]
Sir,
The food ...
is here.
Excuse me.
That was officer
izzy griswald,
Who is in charge
of the operation.
And who might
you be ?
I'm mrs. Byrd,
148 hemdale.
I'm doug gould.
I watch your show
all the time.
You know my work ?
I know it,
and hate it.
We'll be back after
this word from arby's.
It's going to be
a long night.
Is this the night we
set the clocks back ?
[ Alf ]
what's going on out there ?
Some of us think
we smell pizza.
Don't we guys ?
Me, too.
Yeah !
I smell it.
Wish we had some.
Yeah, the pizza
just got here.
Come on out
and get it.
[ Alf ]
i'll be right out.
[ Willie ]
don't come
out.
Oh, yeah.
We're not hungry,
anymore, are we ?
Couldn't eat a thing.
Wouldn't
not me.Touch it.
Shut up !
Thanks for
nothing, tanner.
I can't believe
you did that.
I just don't want
anybody to get hurt.
I can't believe the pizza
arrived before the swat team.
Try waiting for
the coroner.
I have.
Maybe this guy just
wants publicity.
If we all leave, he might
let the hostages go.
Maybe if we open
the cell doors,
The criminals
would just walk in.
Wouldn't the criminals
who are already in,
Walk out ?
Your parents must
be 1st cousins.
[ Trevor ]
what's everybody
doing on my lawn ?
Trevor, raquel --
What's going
on here ?
Who are
these people ?
Somebody beheaded
my lawn santa.
There's a burglar
in your house
with hostages.
That's why i
left new york.
Excuse me, do you
own this house ?
Yeah.
Hey, are
we on tv ?
[ Alf ]
look at trevor.
The camera really
does add 20 pounds.
[ Raquel ]
why do they
keep robbing us ?
There's nothing
left to steal.
[ Trevor ]
why don't they break
into the tanner's ?
That place is ripe
for the picking.
They've got a computer,
telescope, water-Pik --
It's like watching the
home shopping network.
Look at
uncle trevor !
The camera really
does add 80 pounds.
[ Tv ]
we'll continue live
after this message.
The ochmoneks
are coming over.
Alf, hide in
the kitchen.
I'm losing it.
I'm so worried
about him.
Hello, everybody.
Did you see me on tv ?
You looked a
little puffy.
You know
what they say.
The tv adds
about 140 pounds.
I'm so sorry
this is happening.
Do you believe
our luck ?
Why do bad things
happen to good people ?
It's kahma.
What's kahma ?
When your lawn santa is beheaded
for no apparent reason.
Oh, you mean karma.
I thought you were
going to tijuana.
We remembered that we'd
left the door unlocked,
And we didn't want
anybody breaking in.
Now that point is moot.
What's moot ?
Somebody buy this
kid a dictionary.
I hope they catch that
burglar dead or alive.
Don't say that.
[ Ring ]
Why is he so concerned
with the criminal ?
You taught
him that !
I've got better things to
do than to corrupt him.
I'm trying to
corrupt her.
Mom,