week.
**
 [ Ring ]
Hello ?
It's alf.
Tell him to come in here
if he wants to talk to me.
Dad said to come in
here if you want to talk.
He says that's going
to be a problem.
Hello, alf.
Oh, willie, willie, willie !
What have i done ?
I don't know.
What have you done ?
Did you see
"dog day afternoon" ?
Where are you ?
[ Police ]
the house is surrounded.
Come out
with your hands up.
Please hold.
No dice !
I'm armed,
i'm dangerous,
And i'm off
my medication.
The cops have somebody
cornered in my house !
As you may have gathered,
I'm in big trouble.
You're always in trouble.
Yeah, but even on
the alf scale,
This one's a humdinger.
I need help !
What happened ?
Long story short --
I saw a burglar
and scared him away.
Now, i'm trapped,
and i'm scared !
Oh, the irony of it all.
Can't you make
a run for it ?
I take it you didn't see the
end of "butch cassidy" either.
No, i didn't.
You've got to do something.
They might storm the house.
Oh, yeah.
I've got
hostages in here.
Think that'll hold them ?
Or should i say that
the hostages are nuns ?
No nuns.None !
I'm coming over.
Okay, but hurry !
These guy won't give
you a grace period ...
If you
catch my drift.
Alf's trapped at
the ochmonek's.
I know the feeling.
I'm going over.
Me, too.
No, it's too
dangerous.
You might lose your cool
when the bullets start flying.
There'll be
bullets ?
That's
ridiculous.
Willie,
be careful.
I will.
By the way, how did
"butch cassidy" end ?
They were
gunned down.
It was really cool.
I can dig it.
[ Alf ]
if any of you try
to come in here,
You'll be eating more lead
than a pencil sharpener.
He's bluffing.
Use the battering ram.
We haven't got
a battering ram.
Where are my
tax dollars going ?
Get back,
lady.
They're probably going
to gary hart.
You say you've
got hostages.
How do we know
they're all right ?
[ Alf ]
just a second !
How are you guys ?
[ Alf impersonating hostages ]
fine.Great.
Couldn't be better.
There you are.
Uh, officer griswald ...
what's going on ?
Tanner, you finally
called one right.
You've got
the burglar ?
Not yet, but
he's surrounded.
Are you
going in ?
Not while he
has hostages.
We're americans !
We don't negotiate
with terrorists.
No !
No !No !
Maybe i should
go in there.
Tanner, we'll
handle this now.
You in there.
If you refuse to negotiate,
we'll have to use tear gas.
Yes !
Tear gas, tear gas !
[ Everyone chanting ]
tear gas, tear gas !
[ Everyone chanting ]
tear gas, tear gas !
[ Click ]
[ Click ]
[ Click ]
Where's the violence and
mayhem when you need it ?
[ Click ]
[ Sound of gunfire ]
Thank heavens for
sam peckinpah.
Everybody down,
he's got a gun !
So what ?
He doesn't have a gun.
Where would he get one ?
Hey, don't think you're
playing with a greenhorn.
[ Alf ]
i've got enough
powder in here ...
To blow up the
chrysler building.
The chrysler building
is 3,000 miles away.
He must have a
heck of a charge.
Medic !
Bring this
man a brain.
 All right, in there,
hold your fire.
Tell us what you want.
I don't want anything
for myself,
But the hostages
are hungry.
Right guys ?
[ Imitating hostages ]
you said it.Sure are.
I'm famished.
[ Alf ]
hear that ?
Send us 5 pizzas, and a cat.
A cat ?
[ Alf ]
who said a cat ?
[ Hostage ]i did.
[ Alf ]you idiot !
We've got a
satan-Worshiper in here !
Gaffney, get the pizzas.
Aw, i got the food last
week for the sniper.
Another squad car !
Alf's busted for sure.
Oh, no.
If you can't do the time,
don't do the crime.
My dad's cell mate put
that on a pot holder.
Don't worry.
Alf is not going to jail.
[ Siren ]
though a short sentence
might do him good.
Will alf
be all right ?
The house is surrounded,
there's a mob outside,
And the swat team's
on its way.
You be the judge.
[ Ring ]
The