your occupation?
I'm a library cop.
What does a library cop do?
We chase down library delinquents.
Anyone in this room ever delinquent?
Yeah, he was.
Right over there - Seinfeld.
How long was his book overdue?
25 years.
We don't call them
delinquent after that long.
What do you call them?
Criminals.
So you and Mr. Costanza were dating.
Yes.
And then what happened?
Well, I invited him
to attend my son's birthday party and -
Fire!
Get out of the way!
At the time,
I was employed as a security guard
in the parking garage
at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.
Why would I do it
unless I was in mortal danger?
I know it's against the law.
I don't know.
Because I could get uromycitisis poisoning
and die - that's why.
Uromycitisis!
I wonder if they're
having any trouble
controlling themselves
during this trial?
Perhaps these two hooligans
would like to have a pee party
right here in the courtroom!
Objection, Your Honor!
This is completely inappropriate!
My clients' medical condition
is not on trial here!
May I refer you to the
Disability Act of 1990?
Sit down, Mr. Chiles.
Alright, Detective,
then what happened?
We got a tip that
a lot of prostitutes had been
turning tricks in the parking lot.
You just cost me some money.
Cool it, lady.
Cool it.
Cool it, lady.
Cool it.
Police officers - freeze right there!
So Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp.
So you asked Mr. Seinfeld
if he would wear your puffy shirt
on the Today Show?
Excuse me?
Uh, excuse me, Your Honor,
but what is the point of this testimony?
This woman's a low-talker.
I can't hear a word she's saying.
So either get
some other kind of microphone up there,
or let's move on.
Call George Steinbrenner to the stand.
Call George Steinbrenner.
So George Costanza came to work for you
in May of 1994?
Yes, that's right, he was good kid -
a lovely boy.
Shared his calzone with me -
that was a heck of a sandwich,
wasn't it, Georgie?
Yes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir.
He had one little problem though.
What was that?
He was a communist.
Thick as they come.
Like a big juicy steak.
How could you give twelve million dollars
to Hideki Irabu?
Order!
Cock fighting?
Cock fighting.
Sponges.
I don't mean
the kind you clean your tub with.
They're for sex.
She said she needed
a whole case of them.
She exposed her nipple.
How did she try to kill you?
She tried to smother me with a pillow.
Call Yev Kassem to the stand.
Call Yev Kassem.
Who?
The Soup Nazi!
Soup Nazi?
You people have a little pet name
for everybody.
State your name.
Yev Kassem.
Could you spell that, please?
No! Next question.
How do you know the defendants?
They used to come to my restaurant.
Medium turkey chili.
Medium crab bisque.
I didn't get any bread.
Just forget it. Let it go.
Um, excuse me,
I think you forgot my bread.
You want bread?
Yes, please.
Three dollars!
What?
No soup for you!
But the idiot clowns
did not know how to order.
I banned that one - the woman -
for a year.
Then one day, she came back.
Five cups chopped porcini mushrooms.
Half a cup of olive oil.
Three pounds celery.
That's my recipe for wild mushroom.
You're through, Soup Nazi.
Pack it up.
No more soup for you.
Next!
She published my recipes.
I had to close the store,
move to Argentina.
She ruined my business!
Soup's not all that good anyway.
What did you say?
The state calls
Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand.
How did they find Babu?
I thought he was deported.
You came a long way to be here today,
haven't you?
Yes, all the way from Pakistan.
And what's your connection
to the defendant?
I owned a restaurant.
Seinfeld told me to
change the menu to Pakistani.
But nobody came!
There were no people.
And then what happened?
Then, he got me an apartment in his building.
But they mixed up the mail.
And I never got my immigration renewal papers.
So they deported me.
It's all his fault.
Him.
And the woman.
But they did not