mother made you familiar
with such a doctrine.
It is moreover an aimless waste
of strength and energy.
Look, do you see that man in a straw hat?
I see. What of it?
Is he the governor of Borneo?
- That is Panikovsky, a son of Lieutenant Schmidt.
- What! Another son?
This is getting funny.
Lieutenant Schmidt had three sons.
Two were wise, but the third was a fool.
- He must be warned.
- Don't bother.
Have you ever seen a bull fight in Spain?
Come, let's watch.
- General retreat.
- Hurry up, Bender.
Hats off! Bare your head.
Presently the body will be carried out.
The body of the deceased
was carried out on the hands of kinsmen and friends.
O, my God! First came out the widow.
After a short civil ceremony...
...the body of the deceased...
...was interred!
What a sod! There were 69 of us,
children of Lieutenant Schmidt.
We divided the whole country into districts,
fair and square!
He got Mordovia.
It was an equal share, Bender!
He's trespassing  my district for a long time,
but I could not catch him so far.
So then Balaganov, you are a fop.
Yes, a fop. Don't be offended.
I merely want to indicate the place...
...that you occupy under the sun.
- Go to the devil!
- So you have taken offense after all.
- Are you member?
- Member.
I'm a member of the Trade Union of Proletarians
of Intellectual Labor. He is with me.
But you yourself are a son of Lieutenant Schmidt!
You are a fop. And the son of a fop.
And your children will be fops.
Don't be a child! What occurred
is not even an episode but just a mere incident.
A gentlemen in search of a ten-spot.
And what sort of a profession it is.
A son of Lieutenant Schmidt!
I'll grant you one year, All right two!
Then your auburn locks will be noticed
and you'll be beaten every time.
What am I to do then?
How am I to find my daily bread?
You must think.
I, for example, am fed by ideas.
Hey, let's ride!
The taxi is free! Please take a seat!
Fare is reduced by 10-12%
Don't want? OK, then. You will be sorry!
Bear in mind that for every vitamin you receive
I shall demand of you a number of minor services.
I see that you are in love with money
for its own sake.
Tell me, what sum would appeal to you?
- Five thousand.
- A month?
A year.
In that case, our ways part right here.
I need 500 thousand, and, if possible,
immediately and not in installments.
Wouldn't you take it in installments?
I shouldn't mind taking it in installments,..
...but I need it all immediately.
Why do you need so much money?
As a matter of fact, I need more.
500 thousand is my minimum.
I want to go away, Comrade Shura,..
...very far away,..
...to Rio de Janeiro.
Have you relatives there?
Why? Do I look like a man
who could have relatives?
I have no kinsmen,
I'm all alone in the world.
I had a father once who was a Turkish subject,
but even he passed on in horrible convulsions.
Ever since I was a child
I've wanted to go to Rio de Janeiro.
I see.
You, of course, are not aware
that such a city exists.
This is a clipping from Soviet Encyclopedia.
See what it says here about Rio de Janeiro.
Population 1 360 000
...at the large bay in the Ocean...
...in the wealth of stores
and the grandeur of buildings...
...its main streets rival
those of the largest cities of the world.
Can you imagine that, Shura?
Rival!
Mulattoes, millionaires, export coffee!
A Charleston entitled 'My Girl Has A Little Thing'...
But what's the use of talking?
One and a half million people,
and all of them to a man in white trousers.
- But where will you get 500 thousand?
Wherever you like.
Show me a rich man
and I'll take his money away from him.
What!
Murder?
Do you know, Shura,
You are becoming sillier before my very eyes.
Note this: Ostap Bender never killed anyone.
He has been killed. That happened.
But he himself is pure before the law.
I'm no cherub, of course.
I have no wings.
But I respect the Criminal Code.
This is my weakness.
But how