don 't know if I should be summoning
the inhalator squad...
...or the resuscitation squad.
Yes, ma 'am?
I don 't know. I don 't want to say
it's not cardiac arrest...
...but it's either that or an involuntary
asphyxiation of a bolus within the--
The address, yes.
The address is simple...
...although I've never sent myself
a piece of mail here.
Seven-- Seven-- Seven-zero-niner.
Street? Is the street relevant?
-Come on.
-Tell you this much, it is a cul-de-sac.
Does that technically qualify as a street?
I'm pleased to report we won 't
be needing your assistance after all.
Thank you. Have a nice day.
There you go. Took care of itself.
-Okay.
-Oh, Jesus.
You all right? There you go.
I must've passed out.
-Yeah.
-Well, you-- I was dreaming.
-Must have almost died.
-Yeah.
Shit.
And what were you doing while
I was being escorted by dead relatives...
... to the bright light? Jacking off?
No, no, no. You saw me.
I was on the phone.
I summoned the paramedics.
-I sprung into action without delay.
-Bullshit. You were cleaning your pipe.
I was wrapping my pipe.
You were unconscious.
You the only person in the universe who
never heard of the Heimlich maneuver?
All right,
I'm gonna give you a little feedback...
...since you seem to be proceeding
through life like a cat without whiskers...
...perpetually caught
behind the refrigerator.
Your life and watching you live it...
...is like a gag reel
of ineffective bodily functions.
I swear to God that a toddler
has a better understanding...
...of the intricacies of
chew, swallow, digest...
...don 't kill yourself on your TV dinner.
And yet, you've managed to
turn this near-death fuck-up of yours...
...into a moral referendum on me.
-You are a monster!
-Oh, fuck.
-You are a billy goat.
-A sick, depraved un--
Charles Freck, becoming progressively
more and more depressed...
...by what was happening around him,
decided finally to off himself.
There was no problem
in the circles where he hung out...
...in putting an end to yourself.
You just bought a large quantity
of downers...
...and took them with cheap wine.
The planning part had to do
with the artifacts...
...he wanted found on him
by later archeologists.
He had spent several days deciding...
...much longer than he had spent
deciding to kill himself.
He would be found lying on his back
on his bed...
... with a copy of Ayn Rand's
The Fountainhead...
...and an unfinished letter to Exxon...
...protesting the cancellation
of his gas credit card.
That way, he would indict the system
and achieve something by his death...
...over and above
what the death itself achieved.
At the last moment, he changed his mind
on a decisive issue...
...and decided to drink the pills
with a connoisseur wine...
...instead of Ripple or Thunderbird.
So he set off on one last drive,
over to Tiny's Liquors...
... which specialized in fine wines...
...and bought a bottle
of 2001 Azalea Springs Merlot...
... which set him back almost $ 7 0.
Back home again, he uncorked the wine,
let it breathe, drank a few glasses of it...
...and tried to think
of something meaningful, but could not.
And then, with a glass of merlot,
gulped down all the pills at once.

------------------------------
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