your squealing baby and whispered:
''Can't you die soon? Can't you die?''
The boy screamed day and night.
And you hated him.
You were scared,
you had a bad conscience.
Finally the boy was taken care of
by relatives and a nanny.
You could get up from your sickbed
and return to the theatre.
But the suffering wasn't over.
The boy was gripped by a massive
and unfathomable love for his mother.
You defend yourself in despair.
You feel you can't return it.
So you try, and you try...
But there are only cruel and clumsy
meetings between you.
You can't do it.
You're cold and indifferent.
He looks at you.
He loves you and he's so gentle.
You want to hit him
because he doesn't leave you alone.
You think he's disgusting
with his thick mouth and ugly body.
His moist and pleading eyes.
He's disgusting and you're scared.
No!
l'm not like you. l don't feel like you.
l'm Sister Alma,
l'm just here to help you.
l'm not Elisabet Vogler.
You are Elisabet Vogler.
l would like to have...
l love...
l haven't...
l've learnt quite a lot.
We'll see how long l hold out.
l'll never be like you, never.
l change all the time.
You can do what you like,
you won't get to me anyhow.
Saying doesn't help.
Cut a candle.
A kind of otherness.
Not now, no. No, no.
Warning and out of time.
Unforeseen.
When it was supposed to occur,
it didn't occur and so failure.
Yourself where you are.
But l should do it.
Not inwards, no...
Say collect and advise others...
The disconsolate, perhaps...
Take, yes... but what is closest...?
What's it called...? No, no, no...
Us, we, me, l...
Many words and such nausea...
lncomprehensible pain. The throw...
Try and listen to me now.
Repeat after me.
Nothing...
Nothing. No, nothing...
Nothing.
That's it. That's good.
That's how it should be.
Translation: Alexander Keiller
Subtitling lnternational