baldheaded killer bear in the area.
The baldheaded killer bear...
of Clare County.
- Is she still around?
- Oh! No, no. That bear's gone.
Well, she may be out there.
Crazy, bloodthirsty as ever.
So when you go to bed tonight...
if you hear a noise...
whatever you do...
don't look out the window.
Because it might be a bear!
Christ! I'm half-drunk here, Chet!
- Are you trying to give me nightmares?
- Come on.
I can't believe you, Dad!
- Benny, honey.
- Thank you!
I'm 25 pounds overweight, I don't
need a blast to the ticker like that!
- Really inappropriate, Chet.
- What? It was a story. Come on.
Oh, come on.
It was a kind of true story.
Part of it happened.
I just embellished a bit. Come on!
What? What is that look?
So now I get the look?
I was just trying to have fun.
Oh, God!
So I made the fangs a little bigger. Jeez!
You have nothing
to be afraid of, OK? I mean it.
It's a story my dad told me
and I'm sure his dad told him,
and I'm telling you. It's made up.
One day you're going to tell it
to your kids, I guarantee it.
Good evening. How's it going?
Listen, girls...
As your father,
I feel it incumbent upon me
to set the record straight
on the validity of the tale
Uncle Chet shared with us.
A story like that
coming from an authority figure
could be traumatizing for kids.
I had a similar experience with
my Uncle Roy and a story he told
about a family who were attacked
by a band of psychiatric patients
who had been subjected
to violent, hellish
behavior modification experiments.
They escaped from the metal boxes
the army kept them in,
found this family in the woods,
fell upon them,
slaughtered them and ate them.
That story gave me nightmares
not to be believed,
so I don't want Uncle Chet's
bear story to upset you.
So I'm here to say
that there is no bear
and that all Uncle Chet was saying
was just a yarn for our entertainment
and even if there were a bear,
I'm in the house to protect you.
So, no more thinking about bears,
all right?
No more unpleasant things.
We're going to close our eyes
and dream about nice things.
About cuddly, soft, fluffy things.
OK?
Super.
Good night. Sleep tight.
'Hey, kids...
New people in the loon's nest.'
'They have Illinois plates, Mom.'
'lf they're from Chicago,
we'll be eating good.
'Lobster tails!
'A shitload of raw hot dogs.'
'You know what they're made of...
'lips and assholes!'
Honey?
Chet? Where are you?
Oh, God! That's rotted. Oh!
Jerry Asner, please. Roman Craig.
Yeah, I can't hold for long.
My signal's kind of weak.
- Honey?
- Yes, Roman?
Why do Chet's kids look at him
like he's Zeus?
My kids look at me like
I'm a rack of yard tools at Sears.
I mean, why can't they connect
with me?
Maybe if you spent less time at work,
things would be different.
Put a cork in it, honey.
Talkin' business. Jerry?
Roman. How are you?
I'll save us trouble
and cut right to the chase.
I've got an investment opportunity.
You got about three minutes
and 25 grand? Jerry?
Did you hear what I said?
Lost the signal.
These phones don't work.
- Maybe he hung up.
- Why would a minister hang up?
- I've been to his church.
- Oh, yeah. Once!
All right!
How about that?
We'll be scraping the bugs
off our teeth with this!
- Dad.
- That's too much boat.
- Look...
- It's just too much.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure. You hungry?
Give me four chili dogs
and two plain dogs, please.
- That's six hot dogs.
- It's for everybody.
And I'm hungry.
- So?
- Yeah.
Do you mind if I just walk around?
Cruise the town?
I can walk back when I'm done.
All right. But you gotta promise me
we'll spend some time together.
- That's why we're here.
- I know.
That's the whole point -
to be in the woods,
together, rugged,
manly, the full nine yards.
- Exactly.
- Right?
- Give me a hug.
- What?
- Give me a hug.
- Dad...
- I'm too old for hugs.
- You're never too old for hugs.
- Can I go now? Thank you