No!
No! Pick up that phone
and say,
"Hello...
Hello.
- Jesus!"
- Yeah!
He's listening. Lord,
I know he's listening.
Yes!
- Can I get an amen?
- Amen!
Can I get an amen.!
Amen!
We got the spirit...
here tonight!
Who is gonna witness for me?
We got the Lord on the line!
Who is gonna take the call?
Please don't leave God on hold.
Oh, no!
You have called,
and I have answered!
Come in!
We have a witness!
- Witness!
- Witness.!
I came to tell you
that I was once a lover
of the things of this world.
Yes!
Amen!
I made $100,000 a year.
I had a house in Scarsdale
with a big blue swimming pool.
- [Shouts Of Affirmation]
- Yes, brothers,
I lived the white man's lie.
- [Shouts Of Affirmation]
- Yes, but I was lost!
Lost.
Yes. I was dancin'
with alcohol.
I was lovin' drugs!
- And there were women.
- Oh, yeah!
Brothers and sisters...
Oh, God, there were women!
Yes.!
- Fine women!
- Yes!
But I hadn't hit bottom yet.
Oh, no.
I just kept fallin',
right on through the floor!
- And that's when God found me.
- Amen!
- Right.
- Yes, yes.
- And you know
what he said to me?
- What'd he say?
And I've been persecuted
for speaking this truth.
[Murmuring]
He said to me, "Son!"
Lay this on us!
That's what
he called me.
And I said, "'Son'?"
And he said, "Yes.
Yes! You are the Son of God!"
- [Shouting]
- [Man] Blasphemy.!
And I said,
"What, Lord?"
And he said,
"It's time for you...
"to leave behind
the things of this world...
"the fine houses,
the fancy cars,
the flashy clothes!"
Because we are all naked
in the eyes of the Lord.!
Stop!
This man
is clinically insane!
He is presently undergoing
treatment at the Cedarbrook
Hospital under my supervision!
If I only saved
one soul in there,
it was well worth it.
Move on.
So, am I walking home with
an escaped mental patient,
or what?
Heh-heh. Nah.
I got a weekend pass.
I aced
my Rorschach test.
You got your shoes on.
Yeah.
You're not drooling.
I'm impressed.
Thanks.
Are you still writing?
I'm still makin' things up.
You know what?
I keep telling these guys
my girlfriend's an actress,
and every day
we check out the soaps
lookin' for you.
You still actin'?
[Screaming]
What the hell's
the matter with you?
Sure, I'm still acting.
It's Linda
in A Skull for Sammy.
She just found
her mother's head
in the dryer.
I read for it
yesterday.
Don't laugh.
I'm not laughin'.
I think that's the same scream
your mother used
when she met me.
I'm tellin' you, I'm red-hot.
I mean, six months ago,
I'm a nobody, right?
Right.
And then my theater group
does this reading.
I meet this guy.
He knows this agent,
and it's inside track time.
I mean,
I've been goin' up
on commercials.
I haven't exactly
been in one yet,
but my hand has.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I'm not gonna
waitress forever, am I?
No. You're great.
I've always told you
you were great.
Yeah. You did.
But then
they locked you up.
Yeah.
[Man]
So we pick up this kid.
Now, it's 3::00 a.m.
He's walkin'down Fifth Avenue
with a brand-new,
21-inch color TV.
I asked him
where he got it.
"Some dude. I never
saw him before. "
[Laughing]
"And this dude gave you
a brand-new color TV...
in the middle of the night
just to hold?"
"Yes. That's right. I thought
it was pretty strange myself
at the time."
[Laughing]
This is what is known
in legal circles...
as the "mysterious dude"
defense.
[Laughing]
That story just
keeps gettin' funnier.
I remember when you first
started tellin' it,
right after the war.
You know what I find
fascinating?
Male vanity.
I mean, you accept it
in a peacock,
but it's harder to take
from a putz like you.
I gotta listen to this crap
from a guy who orders his pants