topic in mind.
I'm kind of going through
a dry spell, sex-wise.
- For, like, months?
- Five, to be...
...lying. Six.
Six months? That's rough.
It's not all bad. I'm learning to
appreciate the small things, like...
...the sound of a bird
and the color of the sky.
The sky's blue, Ross.
And I had sex yesterday.
Please help me.
I have a date tonight.
It has to go well.
I'm scared for my health.
I got something.
It's this story that I came up with.
Very romantic.
Any woman that hears it is putty.
Tell it to me.
Now, you're gonna want to have sex
with me when you hear it.
Remember, it is just the story.
I'll try to control myself.
Years ago, I was backpacking
across Western Europe...
- You were backpacking across Europe?
- Have a nice six more months.
I'm sorry. Please, please.
You were in Western Europe, and...?
I was outside Barcelona, hiking
in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo.
I was at the end of this path,
and there was a lake.
Very secluded.
There were tall trees all around.
It was dead silent.
Gorgeous.
And across the lake I saw
a beautiful woman bathing herself.
But she was crying.
Why?
This is great wine.
It's from France.
In Europe.
Western Europe.
A few years ago I was backpacking
across Western Europe.
- Really?
- Wait, it gets better.
Yeah, I was in Barcelona.
I studied for a year in Barcelona.
- Anyway, so I was hiking...
- I love hiking!
Oh, that's great!
I was hiking along the foothills
of Mount Tibidaybo...
- I think it's "Tibidabo."
- Do you want to tell the story?
How'd your date go?
Great. I'm across the street
having sex right now.
- Your story sucks.
- Then you didn't tell it right.
- Show me how you did it.
- No, I don't want to.
- How long since you seen a girl naked?
- I was backpacking...
- I'm not feeling it.
- I was outside Barcelona, hiking...
- Ross, I'm not hot. Are you hot?
- It's been six months. I'm always hot.
You're not selling the story.
You don't believe it.
I gotta go, I got a date.
But try this.
Do what I do before an audition.
Use my camera to record yourself
and see what you're doing wrong.
I'll try that.
Now, you're all set up. Good to go.
Just hit record. Good luck.
If you ever have any problem with the
ladies, you know I'll help you out.
That means a lot to me, man.
Can I get you anything?
Lens cleaner? Your battery okay?
Ross, thank God you're here.
You have to help me.
Were you talking to yourself?
That's less embarrassing.
Yes. Yes, I was.
When she came in,
I totally forgot about the camera.
It kept rolling
and recorded everything.
Yeah, we're gonna need
to see that tape.
What a great idea!
That'll get Rachel to forgive me.
It's not fair to her.
Let's forget the tape.
Thank you.
- No.
- You're right.
- Joey, no.
- Loud and clear.
I don't get why
they'd give us a fake number.
If they knew what they were doing,
they didn't give you real names.
Maybe people give out fake numbers,
but not fake names.
Hi. Ken Adams.
Nice to meet you.
Regina Phalange.
- We didn't do anything wrong.
- I know.
Although you did tell
an awful lot of jokes.
You said they were funny.
Joke, joke, joke!
Joke, joke, blah-blah.
- It was your questions.
- What about them?
The sheer volume.
It was like flying with the Riddler.
- Was that another joke?
- Was that another question?
Is Ross still here?
No, but he told us what happened.
It was an honest mistake.
How would you like it if I had sex
with you and I taped it?
Oh, forget it.
There he is, the father of my child,
the porn king of the West Village.
It was an accident, okay?
I feel bad.
I swear, I didn't even watch it.
Anyway, here.
You might be more comfortable
destroying it yourself.
Thank you.
What?
- You don't want to see this, do you?
- Hell, yeah!
I am not gonna show you this.
Not the sex part.
Just the stuff leading up to it.
Forget it.
We'll think of another way to put the
"who came on to who" thing to rest.