figure out
the recipe from this cookie.
I do this at work all the time.
- Really?
- I think so!
Okay, Ross, we owe you a present.
Two! I've been engaged twice.
Look at this clown.
He thinks he can take up the
whole river.
Get out of the way, jackass!
Who names their boat
Coast Guard,  anyway?
That is the Coast Guard.
What are they doing here?
The coast is all the way over there.
Joey, just ignore the boats.
- We're not finished with our lesson.
- All right.
I'm gonna go over the basic
points once more.
Come on, Rach. I got it, okay?
I want to go over there...
...where that boatload of girls is.
Is that it? You want to give...
...a shout to the hot chicas?
Okay, let's do that, Sailor Joe.
Quick question, though:
What's this called?
- Boat rope?
- Wrong!
How do you get the mainsail up?
Rub it?
No. What do you do if I say
we're coming about?
I say, "Come again?"
I know this one. I know this one.
Time's up. Now you're dead.
And deaf!
You go on and make your little jokes.
If you don't know
what you're doing...
...you will die.
Am I getting through to you?
- Yes.
- Don't just say yes.
This isn't a game.
You could get hurt out here!
Do you want to pay attention,
or do you want to die?
I want to make a
ship-to-shore call to Chandler.
- I definitely taste nutmeg.
- You do?
You don't? Well, that's
the difference...
...between a
professional and a layman.
That and arrogance.
Hey.
Hey. How was sailing?
I don't want to talk about it.
You could've at least saved
me a cookie.
Women are mean!
I can't believe that.
Now the only thing left
of my grandmother's legacy is...
...this crumb.
I wish you a long and happy marriage.
- Hey.
- How was it?
Well, I had a great time.
Chauncey on the other hand... .
I will tell the story.
It was going great.
I let him win, we were bonding...
...he even said I could call him Dad.
And what did he ask you
not to call him?
"Daddy. "
Look, here's the story.
We had just finished playing, 
and we were gonna take a steam. 
I walk into the room... 
... and it's really steamy. 
So I take off my glasses, 
and that's when it happened. 
Guys?
- Over here.
- Have a seat, son.
Hey!
- Oh, my God! I can't believe it.
- I know.
You gave my father a lap dance.
Why do they put
so much steam in there?
Because otherwise they'd
have to call it the "room" room.
Why?
Why did that have to happen?
Come on, it's not that big a deal.
Not that big a deal?
There was touching of things.
I know you wanted
to bond with my dad...
...but did you have to bond
to that part?
I'm sure Dad doesn't care.
He probably thought it was funny.
He'll be telling this story for years.
I don't want him to tell
this story for years.
Oh, but he will.
He still tells the story about how
Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
I wasn't escaping.
Then how'd you get caught
in the barbed wire?
I was trying to help out a squirrel.
You were trying to eat it.
If that is your father calling
to tell this story...
...then the marriage is off!
Come on. Hello.
I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
I'll call you later, Dad.
I love you.
I'm off to see your dad.
Aren't you a little overdressed?
You better make sure
he tips you this time.
I figured I would try to convince
him not to tell the story anymore...
...and I figured the best way
to do that was face to face.
And by "face," I don't mean his lap.
And by "face," I don't mean my ass.
Are you getting Monica and
Chandler a present?
I don't know. You know,
they didn't get us anything.
Thank you!
Hey.
Well, hello.
So when are we getting
back out on the water, matey?
I don't know the boat way
to say this, but, never.
Why not?
Because you're mean on the boat.
I was just trying to teach you.
Well, lesson learned.
Rachel is mean.
Yep, yep, yep.
I remember when she took me out
on her dad's boat.
She wouldn't let me help at all.