elk horns for 65 rubles!
And the ink well for 200 rubles!
And all the damn hole punchers!
I respect Bender very much but...
...he is an ass.
He's a pathetic, insignificant person!
After all, Bender made a man out of you.
Do you remember how you ran
with the goose in Arbatov?
Now you have a job, receive a salary,
and are a member of society.
I don't want to be member of society!
Your Bender is an idiot!
He started all these silly investigations...
...when we can get the money to-day
with our bare hands!
Why, I ask you, did he go to the Caucasus?
He says he went on business.
I don't believe him.
Panikovsky doesn't have to believe everything!
Yesterday I secretly penetrated into Koreiko's room.
Of course I did not find any money there,..
...but I discovered something better:..
...dumbbells,
very large black dumbbells.
I have discovered the secret of those dumbbells!
What kind of a secret can it be?
They're ordinary dumbbells for exercise.
Shura, you know how I respect you.
But you are an ass too.
Follow me.
Those are gold dumbbells!
Together, 120 pounds of 24K gold.
I understood it at once.
I stood there before those dumbbells
and laughed like a madman.
What a scoundrel this Koreiko!
I'll get myself some gold teeth,
and I'll get married.
My honest, honorable word! I'll get married!
Do you think I would have told you this secret
if I could take the dumbbells by myself?
But I'm a sick old man,
and the dumbbells are heavy.
And I appeal to you as to a kinsman.
I'm not Bender; I'm honest, Shura!
But suppose they aren't gold?
Just look at him!
Well then, what are they, according to you?
Now it's all clear.
Pay for the kefir, Shura.
We'll settle our accounts later on.
There is a watchmaker of my acquaintance.
He'll give us a real price.
Not as in the government store
where they never give you a real price.
The author!
We'll still give him his fair share, won't we?
What fair share.
This pathetic man makes me laugh!
He's writing again!
Seems like Ilf and Petrov.
But where will we saw off
our pieces from dumbbells?
- Did you think about it?
- I know one spot near Black Sea.
So why are we standing here like madmen?
And there's no one who can
appreciate my titanic labors.
Now I will not take less then a million,..
...or the good mulattoes
will simply never respect me!
I will command the parade!
Who's there?
Telegram.
What's the matter?
Lift it off.
Not one bit of the golden dust should be lost.
Now go, lift mine.
This is precise scale -- from a drug store.
I'm dying of boredom.
I've been only talking to you
for 2 hours and I'm already as sick of you...
...as if I had known you all my life.
With such a disagreeable character
you might be a millionaire in America.
But here a millionaire should be
a bit more easy-going.
- You are insane.
- Don't insult me!
I'm the son of a Turkish citizen,
descendant of the Janissaries.
Janissaries know no pity,
either for women,..
...for children, or for underground
Soviet millionaires!
Go away, citizen. It's already almost 3 o'clock.
I have to go to work early.
What the hell do you want with me, anyway?
I want you to fall in love with me,..
...and as a token of your regard,
give me one million rubles.
I have told you a thousand times,
that I have no millions and never had any.
You understand?
Well, then, get out!
I shall lodge a complaint against you.
You'll never lodge any complaints against me.
Let's get serious.
See this folder.
But let's come to an agreement: no excesses.
The main thing is, don't die of a stroke.
Otherwise I'll be in a very foolish situation.
The fruits of long conscientious labor will perish.
So. Here is a folder.
It's worth is 1 million. Buy it!
First you come to me with some mysterious money.
Then you invent some case.
I's simply ridiculous!
Will you buy it? It is at a rate of only
300 thousand per kilo of the information.
What information are you talking about?
The