mean, that's perfect. l wanna look up to God
and say " How the hell did you do that?"
- " And why the hell can't l do that?"
- That's probably one of your better con lines.
Yeah, it is. But that
doesn't mean l don't mean it.
If l were God...
Sometimes l think l am...
Depends on the shit you're smoking...
If l were God, man,
everybody would live forever.
No death, man. No pennies
on the eyes for anybody.
Y ou know, man, death
is really a hip thing now.
Death is in.
Books, magazine articles, TV shows, Ken
and Barbie dolls with a mutual suicide pact...
Buried them in a little shoebox.
Knew a guy who bought a pair of them.
He was into doll necrophilia.
If it cuts...
- All right, little thing. Oooh!
- lt's terrific.
There's a lady in Chicago, man,
wrote a book. Dr Kьbler-Ross, with a dash.
This chick, man, without
the benefit of dying herseIf,
has broken the process
of death into five stages.
Anger, denial, bargaining,
depression and acceptance.
- That's it.
- Sounds like a Jewish law firm.
- Got time to make some changes?
- Not and make the screening tonight, no.
- l cannot believe people are gonna see this.
- Neither can l.
- lt's a bomb.
- Really?
Yeah, really. You'll have to make a speech.
Tell 'em it's a rough cut, we're not finished...
- Tell 'em any excuse you can think of.
- Why don't you tell 'em?
- l'm not gonna be there.
- You're not coming? Where you gonna be?
Hiding someplace, probably
vomiting, or drinking, or both.
We'll staer recutting Monday morning.
They bought that love story?
Oh, l'm sorry.
l wasn't answering the phone.
l think they told me they liked it.
Just wasn't answering the phone...
Come on, don't bullshit a bullshitter.
No, l don't believe you either.
l'll have her home by 10:30, don't worry. Bye.
Oh, shit.
Hello. Stacy? Oh, listen,
l'm sorry. l'm in a meeting.
Just don't panic on the staircase.
At least three people said
how much they liked the screening.
One was my producer, one was
my lawyer and one was Michelle's mother.
Oh, Joe, everybody loved it. We tried to
tell you that last night. You wouldn't listen.
You know, that was the first R-rated
movie l ever saw, and l loved it.
- Did you understand it?
- Well, l understood everything
except the paer where the two girls
were in bed together and they were kissing.
What was that supposed to mean?
- ls dinner ready yet?
- No.
- What was that supposed to mean?
- Well, Michelle, uh,
there are ceerain women who...
- Who...?
- Thanks a lot.
There are ceerain women
who just don't relate to men, so they...
l think lesbian scenes are a big turnoff.
l shoulda cut it.
- What's goin' on here?
- Never mind. You'll find out.
- Couldn't l be doin' somethin'
- Just turn off the lights when we tell you.
- Turn on the phonograph when we tell you.
- Yes, ma'am.
Oh, no, don't ...
- Where'd you get those hats?
- Not tellin' ya.
That's for us to know and for you to find out.
- Oh, the lights, lights, lights.
- Joe, could you turn off the lights, please?
Now turn on those whachamacallit lights.
Yes, ma'am.
Crash!
Ladies and gentlemen, in honor
of El Stinko, El Blotto's screening
of Joe Gideon's new film, The Standup,
we are proud to present those two
dancing sensations Jagger and Gideon!
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